Reflection

Wednesday night, after my church small group, I went for a drive. Frustrated with a lot of events & circumstances, I just needed to get away. And away I went.

I drove over 3 hours, just listening to music & reflecting on the events of the past few weeks. Spring has always been a really tough time for me. As is Winter, Summer, & Fall. But Spring especially is full of heartache. It's when I've lost numerous friendships, experienced failed relationships, almost gotten kicked out of college, & now have had 2 grandparents die. It is when life begins anew, yet for me it's when I am forced to reflect on the mookie-storm (still trying to not cuss) my life is & always has been.

I know that everyone experiences these feelings of loneliness, but I see no reason why I've always struggled socially. I literally have no friends from my childhood. I don't have friends from when I was a teenager (because I really only had one, & that lasted less than a year. That actually may make an interesting post later on). In fact, the oldest friendship I have at this point is about 4 years old at this point.

I guess I'm just frustrated right now. I need some alone time, which is basically what I'm complaining about. But this will be different. This will be used for reflection, & maybe I'll be able to finally figure out how I feel about my grandfather dying last week (spoiler alert!). My last class this semester is over next week, so hopefully I'll be able to make this happen.

A-Salted

So last night I went out with some people from my church group. There is one girl who comes around every so often who has a lot of social issues (more than me) & is incredibly moody (I shall call her Julie). Things were going well for a while: we went to a terrible Italian restaurant, then some art galleries (where I had to go outside because I was feeling like I was going to have an anxiety attack). After that, we went to a bar in downtown Raleigh. Things were still going well until Julie gets into one of her moods where she starts attacking everyone.

Usually it just annoys me but I keep my mouth shut. But this time I was incredibly sick of it. She had called all of us "straight-laced" & it made no sense, so I asked if she knew what it meant because if she did, then she wouldn't be saying that about us. That flustered her a bit & she was quiet for a few minutes, but started criticizing other people & I said, "Why do you feel like you have to constantly criticize us every time we go out?" That also got her to be quiet for a little bit. I didn't say it harshly, but just as a matter-of-fact.

To smooth the situation over some, I took a salt shaker & threw a little bit of salt on her, telling her she had been "a-salted." She didn't respond, but I (& a few others) found it endlessly hilarious.

After a while she got pissed off again & left, this after she threatened another girl in our group TWICE that she was going to punch her in the face. The same girl who helped her straighten her hair & look good for the night. No good deed....

I still think the salt incident was funny...

Procrastination

Do you know how awesome my Friday nights are? I just ate soup & I'm procrastinating working on a 3 page paper that's due Sunday. So far all I have is the title page. It won't be too hard (that's what she said) but I need to just get it done so I can get drunk by myself tomorrow night.

I work in the morning at 5:30 & get off at 11. Then I'm going home (...) to pick up some stuff that my mother doesn't want to mail because she is determined that since my street gets a lot of traffic that someone is going to steal my mail. But I have a coupon for Ruby Tuesday so I figure I can let them take me to lunch, get a free meal, get my stuff, & then be on my merry way.

Oh shit. My dad just texted me to remind me to do my traffic school for my non-speeding ticket because my mother won't quit nagging him. I just responded, "Grow a pair. I'm serious. She will never respect you if you keep letting her treat you like this."

I hope they still take me to lunch.

Friday

Friday I worked my normal shift of 4pm-midnight. Homeboy who was coming off of heroin was doing worse, not being able to keep anything down. At one point, all 3 of my coworkers for the shift were off-site, meaning that of course this guy was going to take a turn for the worse. I took his blood pressure & it was 131/95 & his pulse was 55, which was weird. I called one of my co-workers, who tried to get in touch with the detox nurse (who sucks) & couldn't, so she called Love Chunks. Love Chunks decided that he needed to go the hospital, which was a problem because I couldn't leave the site with the other clients there by themselves. Luckily 2 of my coworkers came back & he got the hospital.

I also did a drug test on a new client, did an intake, & really took charge of shit.

I've heard rumblings that there will be a lot of changes coming up, like Love Chunks being fired, other people being fired, shifts being rearranged, a new location opening up, my Saturday/Sunday night partner being asked to pick someone to be her partner for later (she picked me). It's all weird. I want to quit so bad but I just have to hold on & see what happens. Maybe I will be able to get better shifts that are more conducive to trying to make friends & having a social life.

Tis Friday

So what do you do on a Friday night when you have no plans? You sit in your room in the dark, that's what!

But really, my history wouldn't have it any other way.