Ruh Roh

It is pretty common knowledge that I'm not exactly the most graceful human on the planet. In fact, I've referenced this fact a few times in the past (most notably in this story). Well, this post will just be about some of my "greatest hits", if you will.

1. When I was a toddler, my parents had put me to bed & were in the other room. They heard a loud crash & me screaming. I had somehow managed to fall out of my crib.

2. It was Easter Sunday, 1991. I was 5 & dressed like a dapper little gentleman. We lived next door to the church my dad was the pastor of at the time & somehow between the church & our house I fell in a puddle & was completely covered. My dad didn't find it as humorous as my mother did.

3. When I was in kindergarten I was going to participate in a Walk-A-Thon fundraiser. During practice for it (I have no idea...) I fell & pulled a muscle in my leg so badly that I couldn't walk for a week. If I remember correctly I mentioned this incident.

4. When I was 8 I tried to see how far I could jump off of an end table. Definitely didn't get very far & dented an antique lamp.

5. During the summer of 1996 I was part of a soccer league. During a game I was (typically) not paying attention & looked up to see the ball coming immediately at my head. Definitely went down & when I opened my eyes, my dad was over me, along with some players, the referee, & the coach. I definitely got knocked-out for a little bit.

6. During another game I couldn't get out of the way fast enough & the ball hit me full force in the stomach. The bench was warmed by me for a while after that.

7. Age 14. Riding my bicycle around the neighborhood. Stood up to peddle faster when the right peddle slipped & the gripper things went into my leg. I was gushing blood & had to walk about a half-mile with a bloody leg. People kept walking by me, staring, & turning their heads. Assholes.

8. Another bike story. I stood up to peddle faster out of the driveway & sat back down, squishing one of my balls between my leg & the seat. Somehow, I made it back inside but laid down a while.

9. My first day working at Jersey Mike's I fell with a tub of mayonnaise. Of course, the tub broke & it went everywhere. Luckily it didn't get on me because I probably would have quit.

10. Second time I worked at the movie theater, I fell on my face opening a door. I turned the knob & just....fell. Into the lobby. Hmmmm.....

11. One time this old lady needed help getting back to her movie theater, having gotten lost while going to the bathroom. I told her I'd help her & as I turned around to walk out of the box-office, I walked face-first into the back of it. She just looked at me & said, "I think I'll be fine on my own" & went on her way.

12. When I worked at Jersey Mike's the second time, I sliced part of the tip of my thumb off on the meat slicer. My co-workers thought I cut myself so they cleaned the knife & not the slicer. Ooops. By the way, I still have an indention from my missing flesh.

13. Another time I spilled some juice & didn't clean it up immediately. Guess who then slipped a little while later & landed on the mat just next to it, thus scraping the crap out of his knee...

14. Same shift as above. Slipped & hit my head on the bread rack on my way down.

15. College in Georgia. Slipped & slid down a muddy hill on my butt. Right?

16. My nickname at Applebee's was "Dammit Andrew" for a reason. I was always spilling, dropping, breaking things. However, I only dropped a plate of food once, & only spilled a tray of drinks once. However, I was known to accidently knock into a fellow server & make them spill their stuff...

17. On Halloween 2008, I slipped at the end of the shift talking to Alexis & grabbed the dressing cart about 10 minutes before closing. Somehow only 2 dressings spilled, but I was covered in water & some dressing. I took the cart out back to spray it off with the hose. My manager didn't find it humorous until the force from the water hose made the dressing splash all over me. Then he said it was funny.

18. At the beginning of a shift I had to get milk out of the cooler for the bartender. I gave it a shake as I was walking up front & apparently, I got a jug that had already been opened & the cap flew off, covering me in milk. I smelled fantastic.

19. During a busy shift I fell down the steps of my section when a table tried to get my attention as I was walking away.

20. I wasn't super clumsy in Florida because I didn't do much of anything. I did trip a lot, though.

21. I've been going on a rampage at my current job, breaking & spilling everything in my path. Oops.

YOU Choose The Story

Ok. I'm going to make this a slightly interactive post. I'm going to let YOU guys pick what the next story I tell is. Whichever of the 3 stories get the most votes will be given the literature-treatment by ME! Wahoooo!!!! (Sorry, I just woke up so I'm in a pretty weird mood.)

So here are your choices. Choose wisely, dear readers.

1. The suicidal cook at Applebee's

2. Bisexual Wiccan

3. Pressing assault charges on a customer

I'm deciding to give myself a vote, so my vote is for the suicidal cook at Applebee's. But worry not, dear reader(s?)! I will write all 3 stories at some point soon. So really, this whole 'voting' thing is pretty pointless (but isn't it always?).

Sorry for all of the typos. I literally just woke up & now I'm about to go work from 8am-5pm with maybe a 30 minute break (their emphasis). I was scheduled a 30 minute break but we might be crazy busy because there's some school band shit today so we're supposed to be busy.

That Time I Could Have Gotten Raped By The Bathroom At Work

At work today we were really slow so I volunteered to do different cleaning activities. As I was about to enter the ladies' bathroom to sweep, this Hispanic gentleman came up to me, smiling. He asked me in very, very broken English & in a very meek voice if I worked there. I told him I did (I did not say anything about the apron, the drive-thru headset, the promotional shirt I was wearing, or the broom & dustpan I was holding). He asked how old I was as he put his hand on my shoulder. 24, I said. He told me I looked very young to have a job & I told him that I get that a lot. Smiling, he told me he was looking for a friend. I ignored that. He asked if I was single (ah shit) & I told him I didn't currently have a girlfriend. He told me his astrological sign & asked for mine. I told him I was Cancer (in more ways that one [I didn't actually say that because he wouldn't understand]). He asked if that was pronounced the same way as the *holds invisible cigarette to his lips*. I told him that yes, it was pronounced the same as the disease. He apologized for looking so dirty. I told him it was fine. At this point I'm thinking....

I'm pretty much cornered in a small hallway, so I decide it's best if I extract myself from this situation, pronto. I told him I had to help make drinks & left. I gave a head's up to my shift leader about what had happened, which was probably good considering what happened next.

As she is out in the dining area he comes out of the bathroom (he was in there for about 15 minutes) & starts talking to her for a little bit. She came back smiling & told me that he was asking me all of those questions because he has a younger sister in Mexico that he wanted me to date & that I seem very nice. I just kind of laughed it off, but I'm not buying it. Why would he apologize for looking dirty & comment on my young appearance right before he said he is looking for a friend? I've been down this road before & everything he was doing, I've seen before. Be it a truck driver, a regular college student, a thug, a Wiccan, or a Mexican: they always want to "hang out." Sorry boys, but this *gestures to my hot bod* isn't free.

He was also probably in the bathroom so long because he was getting his wank on.

Procrastination

Do you know how awesome my Friday nights are? I just ate soup & I'm procrastinating working on a 3 page paper that's due Sunday. So far all I have is the title page. It won't be too hard (that's what she said) but I need to just get it done so I can get drunk by myself tomorrow night.

I work in the morning at 5:30 & get off at 11. Then I'm going home (...) to pick up some stuff that my mother doesn't want to mail because she is determined that since my street gets a lot of traffic that someone is going to steal my mail. But I have a coupon for Ruby Tuesday so I figure I can let them take me to lunch, get a free meal, get my stuff, & then be on my merry way.

Oh shit. My dad just texted me to remind me to do my traffic school for my non-speeding ticket because my mother won't quit nagging him. I just responded, "Grow a pair. I'm serious. She will never respect you if you keep letting her treat you like this."

I hope they still take me to lunch.

That Time There Was A Whole Big Mess In Regards To Hiring Me

Today marked the 2nd interview in my quest to start my new career as a barista. The interview went very well, the manager loved me (duh) & told me that I was tentatively hired as long as my background check was cleared (so intense!). The only negative spots I can think of were when she asked me to sell her the pumpkin bread & I described it as "cinnamony, pumpkiny, nutty, & if those are raisins, raisiny" & when I told her that I thought the girl who had done my 1st interview was named Ellen. It was not. No harm, no foul.

Or so I thought.

As I'm pulling into my parking lot I get a call from the manager asking if I had applied to any other Caribou locations. I told her that I had put that I could work at other stores but that hers was the main one I applied to. Well, there was a problem with that. See, Ellen does exist. Ellen is the manager at another store. Ellen had called to set up an interview at another store & hadn't said which one & so I thought it was for the store I had been at the previous night. That made so much sense why when I went in to interview the 1st time the girl seemed confused about the time. She said tonight that she had thought she'd called me, so she had plans on interviewing me regardless, but still...

So there I was, missing one interview while I'm pulling another out of thin air. And because I had missed the official interview, I had been disqualified from working there which caused a complication in the hiring process. The District Manager had to get involved & yeah, annoying. Everything is all worked out now & I should have the official word on Thursday. I told them I had better be amazing after all of this.

I swear, that was like an episode of "Three's Company," only funnier, with better clothes, & no Don Knotts.

Yay?

So I found out the apartment I live in is renewing their contract with my school, which means I'm not under as much stress to find a new place as I once was. However, I'm still going to try to move out because I'll be 24 in July. It's time to get my own place (roommate or not).

In other news, I have a proposal due in my class on Tuesday that may or may not be ready because my partner may or may not suck. I hate group projects.

And yesterday I went to a conference at 9am in Boca Raton about restoring marital intimacy when a spouse is a sex addict. Hey, it got me out of doing a paper. They also charged some of us from my class $10 & didn't charge others, so I went back & participated in the following exchange...

Me: Hi, I'm part of Dr. Henry's class.

Lady: Oh, ok.

Me: Um, you guys charged me $10 & didn't charge other people in my group.

Lady (while looking at me like "what do you want me to do about it?"): Ok....

Me: I'd like my money back.

Lady: I don't know if I have any $10's left.

Me: I can wait.

I got my money back & promptly went to Dunkin' Donuts to get me a dang Coolata or whatever it's called.