I Always Pull It Out (That's What She Said)

I'm usually not a procrastinator. In college, I was very good at time-management. When I was in Florida last year, I got my homework done weeks in advance depending on the workload at the time.

But this semester has been a struggle. The situation with depression, Skidmark, & my ridiculous work schedule has made getting schoolwork done early (& well) has been thrown out of the window. This Sunday I had a 10-12 page paper about my cultural family heritage that I was really struggling with. I had allotted certain times to work on it because of work, so it shouldn't have been a problem. But because we're so understaffed & I seem to have the most availability, almost every shift I worked was rearranged & I got called in on days off.

Now, because of this issue with being understaffed, we are all being forced to work 7-10 hour shifts without breaks because there's usually only 2 people working. Yes, it's illegal. I know that. Thanks. Anyway, whenever I'm not at work, I'm flat-out exhausted. No energy to type or think. All I want to do is sleep. But this paper had to be done.

I had Saturday night off. All of the research was done. The title page was done. The references were cited. I started writing. Then Skidmark is all in a tizzy, cleaning & whatnot. I assumed he was bringing someone over. He did. I could hear them talking & someone used the bathroom about 8 times in the span of an hour.

Because I was frustrated, I texted Katie from my church small group. She called me back & said she & some other people from church were coming to get me. I protested, stating I had to get this beast written. Then Brennan took the phone from her & told me he was taking me back to his place in Fayetteville. I stopped fighting.

They came & got me. Brennan apparently doesn't know how to get to his house from where I was because we went about 40 minutes out of the way. It took us about 2 1/2 hrs to make a trip that usually takes only a little over an hour. Whatever. I got some of the paper written there. Then Katie came & got me. I realized as we were leaving Fayetteville that I left my laptop & books in Brennan's car. So we had to get those.

I get home about 40 minutes before I have to work (by the way, I tried to get someone to cover this shift & no one at MULTIPLE stores could do it for me, so I'm done picking up shifts for people for a while). I decided to do a discussion board post because I knew the paper would be done late & there was no point in risking 2 late grades as opposed to 1. When I got back from work, the internet wasn't working well. Of course.

Monday after work, I come home to finish the paper. Then there's a power-surge & the internet stops working. Are you serious?

I call Katie & we go over to Ryan's (also in our small group) to finish this paper. I stupidly drink a beer before I start writing & it makes the whole experience just the more frustrating. It ended up being one of the worst things I've ever written (possibly worse than anything I've written on this here blog). But I turned that bitch in 10 minutes before it would have been 2 days late. Didn't even proof read.

And guess what.

I got a 95 on it.

5 points off for it being late.

I am unstoppable.

Corruption & Bullshit (But I'm Not Bitter)

I pride myself on being someone who doesn't drive like a maniac. I don't even speed (that much). In fact, I've only gotten 2 tickets (1 for speeding when I thought the speed limit was different than it was & the other for driving a friend's car that apparently had an expired tag. She paid me back for that though). That is, until today...

This weekend my dad & I made a whirlwind trip down to West Palm Beach to get my stuff. We left Friday after he got off work at 4:30 & made it down there around 5:45am. We packed, cleaned, loaded my car, & said goodbye to (like 3) people. This (Sunday) morning we left around 7:30am. I started us on the drive.

About 2 hours after departing I was driving through a construction zone that was set at 65mph. I set the cruise control to about 69-71. I saw a cop on the side of the road but I didn't bother slowing down because I know those speed things usually show the car as going a little slower than it really is (at least I've heard that). After a while, he finally pulled out & pulled me over.

He comes over & says he clocked me going 80mph. I told him that no, in fact, I wasn't. I was going about 68. He said I was the only car & that I was going 80. I told him no, I had my cruise control set & there was no way that was possible. I wasn't rude at all (I was incredibly nice) & neither was he, but I wasn't about to deal with him lying to me about my speed so he could meet his quota.

He comes back & tells me that since it was a construction zone that fines were doubled so I'd get a $400 fine, & an automatic 4 points on my license. BUT he dropped it down to a 74mph in a non-construction zone so I would only get a $134 fine & 3 points on my license that I could have dropped by doing online traffic school. How generous & kind he was!

Ultimately, I know I was only pulled over because I had an out-of-state license plate because this kind of thing still happens & he hesitated so long to pull me over in the first place. He also probably thought I was younger than I was (damn baby face) & he could talk me into thinking I was wrong about my speed. But I knew I wasn't wrong & wouldn't go along with it, so that either helped him lower the speed because I might would fight it, or he didn't drop it to a warning because I wouldn't go along with it. Who knows. It's bullshit, either way.

I can't be mad though. He was really nice, aside from the lying. And I can't even be mad at him for lying for his job since I've had to lie to customers at Applebee's when I tell them our food is good.

Are You Serious?

On Tuesday, I was running some errands before an appointment I had at 5. So I'm just tootling along down the road in my stupid lemon Ford Focus (patooey!) when I see that my car is mondo overheating.

Phenomenal.

This is the 2nd time in 3 weeks that it's done this (the 1st being on my birthday). I was close to my neighborhood so I call my mom to bring me some water. After instructing her to dump the OJ into something else & fill the jug with water, she shows up with that & a case of bottled water. Oh, mommy.

We fill it up & she gives me her car to make my appointment. All is well, until I'm heading back to her car after the appointment to find that her damn thing won't start.

Are you effing serious?

So I've took out 2 cars in 1 day. We had to get the flipping thing towed because it turned out to be the battery. My car won't be able to go to the shop until Monday. Ultimately, it's all good because we just needed her car to take to Florida for me to move my stuff back because I have officially withdrawn from school down there & will be living in North Carolina now. So we'll see how that goes.

Back to the car thing. My mom's car is a Ford Taurus. It has also had quite a few problems. Never again will we buy Ford.

The Plan

So here is the plan as of now: I am not returning to West Palm Beach. Instead, I will be finishing my Master's at Liberty Online. I will be moving to Raleigh or wherever else I can find a job since I won't be held down in 1 place because of school, & life will then be perfect.

We will see....

Basically, I'm waiting to make sure Sam won't bail on me with getting an apartment, because I have a really bad feeling it's gonna happen.

And oh joy! I still have to go back to West Palm Beach to get the rest of my stuff. That's going to be a fun trip.

A Return To Serving?

Welp, I'm probably going to be getting my Applebee's on on Friday night when we head to Toccoa to help my dad move. I'm sad because it might be the last time I ever go back to Toccoa, but I'm relieved because there isn't shit to do there, especially now that most of my friends from college have left.

And on the subject of Applebee's, I'll probably be serving again if I decide to stay in West Palm Beach or if I move to Raleigh. So that'll bring some fun stories, I'm sure...

Journal

About a year ago, I bought a journal from Barnes & Noble. In it, I wrote a few very personal entries. When I moved to West Palm Beach, I continued to write a bit but eventually got sidetracked with life.

Then I lost it sometime around when I moved to the apartment next door.

I looked for it & it never turned up. I felt somewhat nauseous because...that really sucks.

Well, the mystery of my missing journal is now solved. My Giant informed me when I ran into him that he had found it, had tried to contact me, & eventually threw it away. Oh, but he didn't read it. Which is complete bullshit.

So yeah, there ya go.

This One Is Kind Of A Downer (& Kind Of Long)

Over the past few weeks, I've had a lot on my mind. I've come to the realization that I'm not too thrilled with the direction my life is heading. I'm sick of the fact that while I'm generally well-liked by most people, I'm not well-liked enough to be included in hanging out. I usually have to initiate every time I hang out with someone. I also seem to be quite expendable. It seems as if people can easily cut me out of their lives. At the age of (almost) 24, the longest-spanning friendship I have at this point is going on 4 years (hi, Cherise!).

I'm sick of my fear of rejection keeping me from pursuing romantic relationships. Also, it seems like I'm not seen in that way. I'm always a "friend." And I'm usually friends with the guys who everyone thinks are (occasionally inexplicably) hot & are always being flirted with. I've even been told by a "friend" to go away when there are girls around since my mere presence ruins their chances (this was a few years ago. I'm not around enough single people anymore for this to happen).

The work situation is stressing me out. I have no idea if I'm being fired anymore & the clients are even more resistant to my authority than before. I don't even try now. Of course last night my head supervisor showed up because we had a client with incredibly high blood pressure & she told me I need to be more assertive. I told her I was but they ignore what I say. She then disregarded what I said (sigh). Part of the problem with people not taking me seriously is I usually come across as somewhat flaky & uncomfortable, even when I'm not.

I'm exhausted all the time. I barely get sleep & when I do it doesn't feel like enough. My grades haven't been as good as they usually are (the worst thus far was 82.5 which is horrendous for me). I'm overwhelmed by all of the above & feeling like a failure & a let-down & have been thinking about...ending things. It's not bad enough for me to go have myself committed but it's been bad. I don't want to go back on anti-depressants because I've had such bad reactions in the past. I haven't been able to talk to my counselors (that's right. Plural. I see multiple counselors for different issues) because they conveniently went on vacation at the same time. I've tried to get in touch with my professors but one didn't seem to take it very seriously & the other one won't return my phone calls. I told my dad & he was more upset about some of the issues I'm going through than the fact that I just told him I was thinking about suicide.

On top of all that shit, I'm thinking about a career change. I chose Counseling because it was something I was good at already & because my parents told me they'd only help me out financially if I went to a Christian school & so on. My original plan was to do nursing. I ended up not doing it because I dropped Bio 1 since I had never had a science class before & had no idea what was going on & my parents talked me out of it. Now here I am, a year into grad school with a degree I don't even really want anymore. I'm just not feeling engaged or interested in my classes & don't see how I can do counseling long-term.

Of course my parents aren't happy. My mom started sniffling & told me that I was possibly ruining my life by not finishing grad school & my dad told me that I might as well become a florist (gee whiz) & that he had higher hopes for me than being a nurse. My whole argument is that my whole life I've rarely made proactive decisions. Almost every decision has been reactive. Where I went to college? Reactive. Occasional jobs? Reactive. My major? Reactive. Going straight to grad school? Reactive. It's time I make decisions for myself & what makes me happy. It just really hurts that they seem to view this as a disappointment when I'm finally being the adult they claim to know I am & might finally be happy with life.

So now I have to decide what I'm going to do. Do I want to stay in grad school & hope it gets better? Do I want to begin taking classes for nursing in West Palm Beach? Do I want to go back home & take classes there? Do I want to move to Raleigh & take classes there? Do I want to move to Colorado? Do I want to take a much needed break?

I can tell you one thing that's for certain: I'm quitting that ass job.

P.S. This isn't a cry for help or begging for attention.

Well whadaya know?

Today I got the official word that the school isn't renewing the contract with the apartment I live in & have to be moved out by May 15th. This pissed me off & when I get pissed, I get pro-active. So I called the number of a potential apartment place & asked if they still have room. And they did! So I went & checked it out.

This all happened in the span of about an hour.

So I was almost homeless in two weeks for about an hour.

The apartment itself isn't spectacular but it's nice enough. Great location (right across from Barnes & Noble & the sushi place I love. I could literally throw something from my balcony & hit Barnes & Noble). Less than 10 minutes walking to school. Only $435 a month which is GREAT for West Palm Beach. Only downside is...I have to share a bedroom because there will be 3 other guys living there. But for the price, location, & the desperation I feel, that's awesome. Plus it will get me around people more & maybe I can make more friends.

Also feeling the desperation? My Giant. He started talking to me today while I was walking on campus (& talking to my dad on the phone. Rude) about how he found a 1 bedroom/1 loft place about 10 minutes away from school for $499. I wonder who would get stuck with the loft...

Though it might would be a better decision space-wise, I cannot with good conscience live with him again. And does he not remember last semester at all? Did he forget about how he ASKED RESIDENCE LIFE TO MOVE ME OUT?!

So what did I do? I told him to talk to me about it later. I'm a dumbass.

Because of course

I almost literally lost my damn mind today whilst driving back from Toccoa to West Palm Beach. I couldn't sleep last night & knew I wouldn't be able to because I always have a hard time sleeping before driving a long distance so I left at 2:45am (just like my trip to Toccoa). Only this time I almost went crazy.

Now usually when I am travelling the wonderful highways that connect West Palm & Toccoa for 12 hours I phase out some. But today it was beyond that. I actually thought a palm tree was a person at one point. I couldn't concentrate. I was tingly. I was nauseous. And when I stopped at Cracker Barrel & they were still serving breakfast I wanted to cry.

Once I made it to about an hour away, I was finally able to get in touch with my mom & talk to her some to keep me somewhat conscious (because talking on the phone is so much better than falling asleep & thinking pieces of nature are humans). I start unloading my car & who is the first person I should encounter?

My Giant, of course.

Because of course.

He started talking to me about how they probably are going to kick us out of the apartments but if they don't or if they require us to have roommates he is offering me my old room back.

Was he even present for all of last semester? Does he not remember how we could barely be civil to each other? Does he not remember that he tried to get me kicked out of my room & into another apartment?

Anyway, I told him that if they try to make me move into a dorm I'm just going to get my own place with my loan money. He seemed to have a hard time computing what I was saying, or maybe it was just me because I was so fracking exhausted.

Late night

Definitely should be in bed. Instead, I'm sitting here listening to Owl City & thinking.

I applied for a job yesterday as a case manager at a family center place. One of the girls in my Master's program works there (other people do as well but she's the one that told me about the job so I'm using her the most) & I'm hoping she can at least get me an interview. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if I'm not able to get a better job. The school is going to make all of the students who live in the apartment complex move in May because their lease with the church who actually owns them runs out & they aren't renewing, so we all have to leave. I knew this going into it, but I wasn't expecting things to turn out the way they have down here.

On top of getting the job for financial reasons (it pays very well for someone like me), I also want it because it will help me feel like a real adult. I've felt like I was in limbo for a while now, & it's getting worse. I still feel like a teenager, though I know I'm not, & people expect me to be an adult, but I can't support myself, etc. I mean, my parents still pay for basically everything except my food (when I'm not home), DVD's, CD's, & clothes (they sometimes get those as well).

I don't want people to think I'm ungrateful because I'm not at all. I appreciate my parents & their willingness to take on these added financial burdens while I'm still a student, but it would be nice if I could do SOMETHING.

If I can't get a job, I'm screwed. I don't have any friends I could live with, & my parents won't be able to take on the extra burden of rent for me. I may end up having to take some time off from school which would fuck me over even more than throwing off my schedule because I have to be a full-time student to have insurance under my parents.

New semester

Well, I have returned to West Palm Beach. It's pretty chilly here, a nipply 50-60 degrees. Everyone is walking around in parkas & those ugly boots with the yarn balls dangling off of them. Pussies.

My new roommate is amazing. He is quiet, polite, nice, clean(er), & black! I feel so politically correct just living with him.

However, methinks My Giant is stalking me somewhat. Last night I was coming up the stairwell that leads to our kitchen door. I always go up the stairs fast because I know there's a chance My Giant could pop up at any minute. But as I was unlocking my door I heard my old kitchen door start to open. It sticks really bad so I knew I had a bit more time to run in, & as I was closing my door in a hurry I heard my old door open. I was going to try to ignore it but he started knocking on his door (idiot). I answered him with my usual, "What?!" to which he answered with his usual, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I'm glad the past month away from each other has changed that aspect of our relationship...

Now, I had already been warned that he had dyed his hair platinum blonde. I figured this was a side effect of his hanging out with the rave/fetish kid who moved in my last week with his angel costume. But My Giant has also taken to wearing eyeliner & goth pants (the black kind with the hooks so you can attach chains. He wasn't wearing chains though). The first thing out of his mouth when we started talking was him asking whether I had decided to transfer next semester or not. Then he asked how my break was. I told him it was fine, but didn't give details. Then he started talking at length about his break & going on & on & on. Then because I hadn't mentioned or reacted to his appearance (I didn't want to give him a reaction because I knew that's what he wanted), he pointed it out to me. I then went over to my old apartment to see that he had been given some furniture, & it wasn't half bad. Then he showed me pics on his camera from his break...

Everyone in the pics was wearing fishnets, pasties, thongs, hooker boots. Basically everything you'd expect from people who go to raves & fetish parties. I couldn't tell who was a man or a woman. There were pictures of a girl I know topless (he said they're seeing each other & she wants to have his kids. Suuuuuure), as well as a random girl asleep in his bed (when I asked if the asleep girl knew he took her picture, he said no but that they hadn't slept together. Still? Creepy).

Then he asked me what I was doing later. Shit. I need to have a stock answer prepared. I said I was doing nothing. Shiiiiiiiiiit. He invited me to go with him to meet up with some girls & smoke hookah. I told him ok (WTF ANDREW?!) but I was going to drive separately. Luckily he texted me & said they cancelled but I could come play X-Box. I told him ok, but fell asleep instead.

When I told my mother about how he pounced on me while I was coming up the steps, she said simply, "He was watching for you." Damn it. I was talking texting Alexis & she said she thinks he is just trying to corrupt me just to drag me down. All I know is I'm gonna be careful, walk quickly, walk quietly, & hope for the best.

Thinkings

Happy 2010!

I'm very glad that it's the beginning of a new year. Last year was a pile of ass, & this year will definitely bring about changes. For starters, I am trying not to cuss as much. I am currently failing epically in this endeavor. I am also working on my rage/anger problems, & will be working out more. I decided the best way to accomplish this was to do yoga. I will be starting that shortly.

But this will also be the year that I gain control of my life. I can't keep letting people hurt me like I have been. I am basically a resilient ball of depression & anxiety. Today, I had some very bad thoughts (none that I was going to seriously execute...literally).

I just want to apologize to my parents for being me. I am certain I didn't turn out how they expected. I know I sure didn't turn out how I expected. It kills me that I was their one shot at a child. Well irregardless (this isn't a real word, yet the spell checker didn't underline it. There is no hope for the world)...

I'm going back to West Palm Beach later this week. This will definitely be a new semester. I'm not taking shit from anyone, no matter who it is. I don't care who I piss off, whether it be roommate, friend, professor, employee at store, My Giant in passing. I'm not looking for a fight, but I'm not backing down.

Hello, 2010. We're gonna have a good year.

Semester=Over!

Well, I finished my first semester of grad school. 2 A's & a B+ (damn you, Dr. Lopez). I also decided that I was not going to tolerate My Giant another semester so I got a room change. Granted, the only available room was the apartment directly next door, but I don't care. Hopefully this will help change my perspective on West Palm Beach.

Granted, there was a lot of drama getting me to that point. I went to Residence Life to get moved, then My Giant went to Residence Life to get me moved, they told him I had already been by, he was even worse for the next week, he let one of his friends move in (a very nice gentleman, despite working raves, specialty events, & fetish parties. And he left his angel costume in the living room. The angel costume consisted of big wings, a glowing chest plate, & furry stilts). Residence Life then told me the guy whose room I was taking had moved so I turned in my key. Turns out he hadn't moved, but luckily I had left my door cracked so I could still get in my apartment. Too bad My Giant didn't listen to my voicemail about leaving it cracked & then I was locked out for about an hour & a half while I hung out with the guy I was replacing. The morning I left My Giant said, "I can't believe you're leaving me in this apartment by myself." I responded, "Yeah, well."

Depending on what happens this semester, I may transfer to Colorado Christian University. I have more friends out in that area & I handle cold weather better than heat & humidity.

I am now currently at home in Rocky Mount, NC. This is the 1st time since 2006 we've had Christmas here. There is also a fat man & his incontinent dog staying with us. Said dog has pissed all over my room (including my bed) & my bedroom smells just lovely.

I finally went this week

I finally went to the beach this week. I got a slight burn, but I've had much worse. Such as the time Xian put sunscreen on my back, put too much, then proceeded to rub it ALL off. When I said why it happened, he got all defensive & said, "It's not my fault! Don't even THINK of blaming me." Or that time I was gonna go to camp & didn't want to get burned or look like paper so my mom took me to the tanning bed & the woman had me go for 15 minute intervals about 2 or 3 days, naked. And I was so burned my skin was almost purple & all I could do was basically stay in my room, nakie & alone. And I STILL went to camp white as a ghost!

Anyway, picture. I know it's not some great picture or anything, but I couldn't really see what I was taking because it was on my phone & the sun was shining.

Time keeps ticking away

I feel like since I moved to Florida that my days have been blending together. I sleep all the damn time (if I get less than 12 hours of sleep a day/night I am PISSED), & I have a hard time keeping track of the days. If it weren't for the fact that I have class on Monday & Wednesday nights, I wouldn't ever know what's going on.

That's basically alls I have to say for now. Maybe post later?

Holy shit y'all! I just made a blog!

Well, I'm probably 5 years too late to be part of the blogging craze, but whatevs. And I know chances are that no one is going to read it, but it's ok because part of the reason for this is to rant without having to handwrite in my journal. And also, I'm super paranoid that my roommate (affectionately known as My Giant. But not to his face!) is going to somehow stumble upon my journal & if I'm talking smack, I don't want to risk earning his ire. So what better idea than risking my journal being discovered than to write on the internet?!

So, I'm 23 & just started grad school in West Palm Beach, FL. This place is pretty different than anything I'm used to, what with the one way streets, parallel parking, parking meters, & bad plastic surgery. I haven't exactly set the social world on fire yet, but I've met a few people thus far who don't suck the pooch. I'm still trying to get used to the weather here (i.e. humidity), because despite living in North Carolina for 20 years & Georgia for the past 3, this is pretty ridic.

I'm going to go into more detail later, such as when it's not 5:30 in the morn. Since my social calender is free pretty much always, who knows what's gonna happen!

Love me!