Monday, January 31, 2011

So Hardcore

The badass Spongebob thermometer. And my bloodshot eyes. Which (fortunately or unfortunately) aren't from narcotics.

It even plays the theme music. Cool, eh?

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Time I Thought I Was Going To Die Last Night

Overall, I like to pride myself on a pretty stellar immune system. I only get sick once a year at the most, but unfortunately when I do it's a doozy.

Earlier this week I began to notice I was coughing a little bit more. I had a bad feeling of what was coming because everyone & their mother (& my own mother) has been sick recently. When I was moving last weekend I accidently kissed my mom on the lips (no incest) when I forgot she was getting over something nasty. As soon as it happened, I realized I had made a mistake. And no, that mistake was not linked to kissing my mother on the mouth. That's how we show our love.

Anyway. I began coughing a lot more on Wednesday & by Thursday morning when I got up for work, I knew what my fate would be. I had begun feeling tingly. Achy. I always feel that at the onset of sick. Luckily my shift was short & I slept almost all afternoon. But when I woke up....oy.

I didn't feel horrendous at first but as the evening wore on I wanted to be cradled by the sweet embrace of death. On the plus side, I got to watch "Community." On the negative side, I was sick. Katie came over with soup & orange juice. She tried to concoct a ginger tea for me out of ginger powder & water but luckily she realized how bad it would be & I never had to try it. I was starting to sweat like crazy & shake a little bit, & eventually she left so I could suffer alone. And suffer I did.

My heart was pounding so hard & so fast that I seriously thought I might be dying. I would consider calling 911 but since my phone doesn't let me call anyone (thanks again, Verizon!) I just laid on the couch. Then I slept in the bathroom. Then I went back to the couch. Then back to the bathroom. Then to my room where I woke up a ton but luckily I slept relatively well, give or take my pounding heart.

I felt fine upon waking up this afternoon but I can tell as the day wears on that I'm going to start feeling worse. Katie brought me those Halls Vitamin C drops, Day & Nyquil, some cookies, & a Spongebob thermometer. My fever may have broken but I'm starting to feel bad again.

Oh yeah, my roommate's girlfriend is coming to visit this weekend & he's also having a party. This should be fun.

Eventually, I will talk about my move.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

200th Post

I will use my 200th post to say this...


In other news, I will have a real post later on.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Hey Guess What!

Someone is moving this weekend! No more Skidmark. No more gay bondage porn. No more "roommate not speaking to me."

This will also probably mean no more fun stories, but that is just a risk I'm willing to take. It might force me to become more creative.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Suicidal Applebee's Cook

A while back I promised I'd write about the suicidal cook at Applebee's. Well, the time has come for me to share this story with the world...

It was fall in 2008 & a week night. My girlfriend at the time (during the 2 weeks we dated before I broke up with her) were bored so we went to Applebee's. Please note that the town we went to college in is ridiculously small & Applebee's was the only non-fast food, non-ethnic (Mexican or Chinese) restaurant in the whole place. It was also where I worked & wanted to eat cheaply since I was one of the only employees they let eat with a discount off the clock.

Anyway. GF & I were there, talking to the two waitresses still there (who also went to school with us) & the manager. One of the cooks, Tom, who was a known drug dealer/user was also there & had been pacing around the dining room & acting more weird than normal, but I didn't think much of it. Then I saw him run out of the kitchen & go out the side door, quickly followed by my manager, who returned back inside shortly. That was when he informed us that Tom had taken one of the prep knives & sliced his right arm. Tom was freaking out & acting violent in the parking lot, but my manager was already in the process of calling 911. The paramedics eventually arrived & carted Tom to the ER while the rest of us were in shock. All of us, that is, except for the dishwasher: a large black guy nicknamed "Debo" (I'm using his real nickname because seriously....). Debo wasn't upset at all. Instead, he was pissed because he had already cleaned the floors & now had to do it again because of the blood.

On the subject of blood...let's just say there was a lot. As Tom ran by the side stations where the extra sauces, napkins, a some of the computers are located, he trailed and splashed blood. On bottles. On the counter. The carpet. All of it.

Anyway, it turns out he did it because he was so hopped up on drugs & was upset because another cook, a female, had rejected him so he decided that was the best course of action. And to this day, he doesn't have full use of his hand because he had sliced his arm completely to the bone, causing irreparable damage.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Quite Pointless But Deal With It

Tonight my co-worker Madison & I went to Applebee's because she has never been before (she's obviously lived a privileged life). She thought it was amazing (she's 18. Cut her some slack).

That's not the point of the story (though it would be awesome & possibly the worst story ever told) (I have a lot of parenthetical thought, don't I?). The point is that during a song, I heard what sounded like a guitar making a fart noise but didn't say anything. Then it happened again. And again. By this point, Madison & I looked at each other & started laughing. And then it was nothing but farting noises coming over the speaker system. AND we were the only people laughing or having any reaction at all. It got to the point that we were crying due to laughing so hard.

......& that's where babies come from.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Why I Want To Bring The Rage Onto Verizon

So here is the damn blog about my Verizon problems.

When we got cell phones back in the early/mid-2000's, my parents & I were all about some Altell. But when my dad moved to Georgia in 2007 for his job (conveniently "coincidentally" in the same small town I went to college) he began an account with Verizon. Once my contract was up with Altell, he put me on his plan for Verizon. Wonderful. I loved them. We had no problems, aside from the battery-life of my phone being shit after a while.

Then last year before I moved to Florida, it was time for an upgrade so I got the EnV3 (my mother had the EnV2 & loved it). I had a hard time adjusting to the keyboard & it had difficulty taking pictures but overall I was happy. Until it began turning itself off. I had assorted problems over the next year & it got to the point where I had to get a new one. Unfortunately, the issue with the camera was so bad that all of my pictures that had been transferred from my previous phone were forever lost. Some of those were 3 years old, & others had sentimental value (such as the last picture I got to take with my grandmother a month before she died, though luckily I put that on Facebook).

They gave me a new EnV3, but it wouldn't let me access my voicemail & also had my number as unavailable when I called people. They couldn't fix that, so I got a new EnV3. This one.

This one also turns itself off at will, but the problem right now is that the speaker is broken. I also have to slam the send & end button to get them to work. The alarm still works. I can still play my ringtones. But I can't talk on the phone. That is a problem indeed.

So I went to Verizon over by where I work. The employee said it was unfixable (but didn't say anything about the speaker) & that my warranty was up so I am S.O.L. I decided that this was a time to get my dad involved, since the account is in his name.

That was why I went home the other day. After the tire incident my dad & I went to Verizon. That was when we were told about the speaker. We were also told that I could buy a used phone but that was all I could do. I told them that honestly, this is their problem since it's my 3rd fucking phone in a year so obviously their product sucks. We also mentioned that we were thinking about cancelling our plan. Didn't do any good.

So now I'm stuck with a phone I can only text on, & whenever I can hear someone on the other end, their voice is incredibly distant & they sound like the teacher from "Charlie Brown" ("Wah wah wah wah wah").

I told my dad to write a letter to the C.E.O. I'm not going down without a fight. Especially if I can use my dad as a warrior & he can take the blows.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Why I Almost Brought The Rage At Wal-Mart

Since apparently my rage issues at Wal-Mart & with Verizon have become the talk of my blog (you guys are lame), that's what I'll write about next. First, Wal-Mart.

So I went home to get away from Skidmark & also deal with the Verizon issue. But on top of that, I needed to get new tires since they almost failed me on my inspection because the metal was showing in one of them (oops). So my dad set-up for me to get new tires at Wal-Mart. And I went.

As I drove around to the car section, I see that there is both a tire lane & an oil lane. The tire lane was blocked off so I got into the oil lane, hoping for some direction. That direction came in the form of a woman who mumbled so badly I couldn't understand her very well aside from her telling me I needed to get into the tire lane. I told her I couldn't pull over there, so she moved part of the barrier for me. I get in the tire lane. She then comes over waving her arms (way to be dramatic, precious) & tells me in a snotty tone of voice (I could tell it was snotty because she enunciated more than before) that I needed to park in the parking lot & they would come get my car. I told her in a slightly snotty tone (because I can't fully commit sometimes) that I was just doing what she told me, & she agreed.

Wait. What?

So she moves yet ANOTHER barrier so I can go park. I peel over there (which made quite the statement in a gold Ford Taurus [remember, it belongs to my mother]) & stomp my way inside. Every time I saw her after that I gave her an evil glare.

And almost everyone I saw looked like they had Down's Syndrome.

Verizon post will be separate.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Most Boring Post Yet? Perhaps.

I got pulled over last night because the car I was driving (belonging to my mother) had an expired registration & inspection sticker. I've been driving it since I moved to Raleigh because my Focus was on its last leg & my parents didn't want me to explode. However, they told me I didn't need to take care of anything until January. Turns out they were wrong.

I thought about it earlier this week about how I needed to get it done so I texted my mom, who told my dad, who texted me, saying it was actually December. Lovely. I have been working from early morning until late afternoon this whole week (until today) so I haven't had time to get it done. While I was leaving my small group at church I saw a cop next to me, & I knew what was going to happen.

And it did.

Luckily he was nice, young, & possibly flirting with me. I told him the truth, & that I was going to go tomorrow (today) & get it inspected. He let me leave.

I got it inspected today & passed. Accidently. He said he didn't mean to pass me since the metal was showing on one of the tires. Oops. So I got 2 new tires today when I came home to visit my parents.

I also almost brought The Rage on a lady who worked at Wal-Mart but that story won't translate well to blog.

I also realized that quite a few of the people at Wal-Mart today looked like they had Down's Syndrome on top of their typical slow appearances.

Also, Verizon can suck a fat one. That's a different post altogether.

Could this be my most boring, rambling post ever? Perhaps. I'm a terrible blogger.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Because we couldn't figure out how to put this on without the instructions...