I don't have a ton of write about right now. I'm currently sitting in the library computer lab at Toccoa Falls College! My old school! It's been weird being back this trip, though it always is.
When I graduated, I wasn't exactly on the best social terms with a lot of people, & now that most of them are gone you'd think it would be different. But instead, there are all 0f these kids I don't know, a few that I do know, & a lot of memories (both good & bad). I've gotten to see a few professors as well, which has been nice.
One of the things that's been kind of discouraging is how Alexa (her real name) is visiting at the same time. We were super close while here, & have stayed pretty close since graduation. But anyway, she's having to schedule times to hang out with people, whereas I am just kind of scrambling & haphazardly trying to meet up with people. We both had very different experiences here, obviously.
Anyway, I will write more later. Not sure about what though.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
So this is one of the posts I was going to do a month ago but didn't. I figure now is as good a time as any to get write it.
Back in January, I had stopped by Aunt Norah's (as you know, not her name) house to drop off some tea I get from work that she likes. We were just sitting in her living room talking about our family & stuff that happened before I was born, when she mentioned Donna (not her name). "Who is Donna?" I asked. "Oh, you haven't heard?" replied Norah. Of course I hadn't heard. My parents & I are almost always the last people in our family to hear about anything. But as it turns out, most of us didn't know. And what didn't we know? This....
My great grandfather (the father of my grandfather that just died) was apparently loose. There was already speculation back in the day that he fathered one child out of wedlock (who for some reason was already part of the family & grew up with my dad & his siblings. While it was never proven, it was heavily assumed because of rumors & the way she looked. I have no idea who this lady is, which isn't surprising because we have a tremendous family.
Anyway, a few years ago this new woman (Donna) approached my grandparents & told them that she thought she was the half-sister of my grandfather. D'oh! She was no stranger to them, having been a regular at the restaurant where my grandmother used to waitress. They only said something to a few of our family members, & surprisingly were able to keep it all pretty hush-hush (those people can't not gossip. Even if it's about themselves). Anyway, Donna's possible-half-brother Edward (not his name) wanted nothing to do with her because he was a turd & holier than thou. But he died a few years ago & she's slowly been feeling more comfortable.
Anyway, I went to see my parents (this was when I still lived with Skidmark & was making almost daily visits back to Rocky Mount for my safety) & asked my mother about Maybe-Great-Aunt Donna. She had no idea what I was talking about, & immediately texted my father, who responded with, "WHAT?!" So there was that. Later that night, my father called Norah, who gave him Donna's contact information. My parents then met with Donna & her husband, & encouraged her to get a paternity test & become more involved with everyone.
Then all of the crap happened with my grandfather. The second day I was at the hospital the week his lung collapsed, I went into the waiting room & was shortly joined by a lady I had never seen. I figured she was a friend of the family or some relative I had never met (or hadn't seen since I was little). Well, it turns out it was Maybe-Half-Great-Aunt Donna. Well, hey there! She asked me some question & we figured out we were there for the same people, & we both got really excited when we realized who the other person was. After reuniting with my grandmother, I got to witness the introduction of Maybe-Half-Great-Aunt Donna with her maybe-half-sister Lucille (not her name). They got along famously, & they even look similar. Then some of my cousins began trickling in. In a funny turn of events, the ones that came to visit had never heard of Maybe-Half-Great-Aunt Donna (which made me feel awesome for knowing something before them). It was really funny to watch their faces as they realized what was happening.
There was some awkwardness, though (because of course). One of the things I haven't mentioned was that Donna is literally half a month older than my dad. So she is the same age as one of her nephews. Yup! Another awkward moment was when she hugged my cousin Maria (not her name, duh) & told her she was sorry about her mother. Maria's mom (my aunt Mary [her real name, because she's dead]) was murdered in 1986. I found out at this point that Donna had known since the 70's that she might be part of our family but just learned about us through other channels. I also learned that my great-grandfather was a cop, to which I said, "Well, obviously he did a whole lot of serving & not a lot of protecting" (only Maria heard me. She laughed but it was still awkward if you understand what the meaning behind it was).
Since then, I only saw Donna one more time at the hospital right before my grandfather died. She was in his room with my grandmother, & she was saying her goodbye. It was really tough on her because she had finally started to get the family she'd always wanted & now her possible-brother was sedated & on a ventilator. She was trying not to cry, & told me after we left that what kept her strong in there was seeing me since I had been so supportive of her the other day. I also had noticed when she was about to start crying & gave her tissues.
Apparently she was at the visitation & funeral, but I didn't see her. She wasn't at the burial. But the next week, after everything that had happened, the paternity results came back.
Maybe-Half-Great-Aunt Donna was officially Half-Great-Aunt Donna. Holla, Half-Great-Aunt Donna!
And that's how I inadvertently gave us a new family member, just because I asked some questions & got a ball rolling.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Once upon a time, I knew a kid named Nathan Starr (first name isn't really his name, but his last name is. I just used it for the title of this post). We met while we were taking the driver's ed classroom portion. He seemed pretty normal at first, & was the nicest person in that class full of delinquents. We even ended up in the same car for the driving portion of the class! Isn't that convenient? I thought I had finally made a friend.
Obviously, since I'm writing about it on here, it either ends up being really weird or really depressing. This story is the former.
As far as he told me, he lived in an emotionally abusive household. According to him, he was a crack baby, which explains a lot of his future behavior. Eventually, his father remarried & his half-sister took most of the attention. His step-mom would go days without speaking to him over the slightest infraction. Because of this, I felt really bad for him. But then he started talking about how he worked out all of the time. Well, that's all well & good. But he also started talking about how he had so much power that he could force doors to close without touching them. That is not well & good at all. He also said he slept with an ax under his pillow for protection.
Eventually we met at the mall to hang out for the first time since we took driver's ed. Pretty much the whole time was spent with him acting really weird, trying to embarrass me in front of a girl I liked at the time, & just being a creeper. At one point, I tried to lose him but wasn't successful.
Also, it should be noted that all of the working out that he did? He flexed & showed me his abs (in public....) & they didn't look like jack. He also said he had been growing a beard but it was barely a mustache. It really made me nervous that his reality was something completely different than the correct reality (i.e. my reality).
After a while, I told him over the phone that I didn't want to be his friend anymore because he freaked me out. And we didn't talk for a while. But then we started talking again for some reason & met to hang out at this park. He brought his motorbike that he had just fixed & some black kid with tattoos I later found out stood for the Bloods (Rocky Mount is full of gang activity) asked if he could ride it. I was thinking to myself, "This is beyond stupid. There's no way he will let this kid ride his motorbike." But sure enough, Nathan let him ride the bike. And just as expected, homeslice rode off & never came back. Nathan chased after him on foot (I ran a little but didn't expend too much energy because there's no way in hell we are catching someone on a motorbike) but the cause was lost. And so was the bike.
That was the last time I saw Nathan. We spoke some over Myspace a little later but I have no idea what he's up to nowadays.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Today I learned that I should be psychic. Well, that's good to know!
It was about 30 minutes before I was done with my shift when this temperamental regular came in. She had her own thermal mug that was over 3/4 full of coffee already. She then ordered a cup of coffee filled about halfway up. I figured since she had a practically full thing of coffee she wanted another cup & would either double-fist or use the new one to replenish the other. So I rang her up for a small coffee & didn't give her the sustainability discount (if you bring in your own mug you get $0.50 off).
After I rang her up she asked if I gave her the discount. I told I didn't since I wasn't charging her for the size cup I was giving her. Then she got an attitude because I didn't automatically know to dump her full cup of coffee out & replace it with something else. She was like, "It's fine!" to which I snotted back, "Good!" & stomped to the back before I got crunk.
I just wish I didn't let crap like this bother me. There's just no reason to be rude! The other day I had this lady refuse to take my roll of dimes at a parking garage unless I broke them apart & handed her $3 worth of loose dimes instead of just taking the damn roll & giving me back $2 like I handed her a $5. But guess what I did instead of arguing with her? I handed her $3 & drove off. Granted, I was very irritated but being a dick isn't helpful. However, I work for a company that would rather their employees be abused on a daily basis than lose a customer so it's a different situation I suppose.
Before my psychic abilities failed me, I had a guy come in that I have dubbed "Mr. Giggles" because he argues about everything. In every single statement he finds something to criticize. Sometimes when he's been giving me crap for about 5 minutes straight about a particular word I used & he's gone off on another tangent I will look at him square in the eyes & say, "Wow. You really have something to say about everything, don't you?" He just looks at me, thrown off. Anyway, he came in & kept trying to talk to me & I was trying to converse back but couldn't hear him well because someone was ordering over the head-set. I told him I couldn't hear him because someone was talking & he said, "I know. That's why I'm going to keep talking." I handed him his coffee without a word & started doing something else.
I just can't wait until my last week there. If I don't feel like waiting on someone, I'm not going to. Granted, I say that now, but I know when the time comes I will still wait on them because I hate being a turd unless provoked.
Despite my complaining, I actually am very good with customers when they're nice. I'm good at making small-talk with those I don't know, as well as keeping up with the regulars. And even though I will argue/stand-up to a rude customer in a heartbeat, I'm also good at calming them down when I feel like it. I've always been this way, though. My customer service jobs have been a way for me to push through my social anxiety & introverted nature.
But I seriously, seriously can't wait for another job.
On another note, I got a Droid X yesterday.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I was just on Craigslist (since that's always worked out so well for me) looking for jobs. Very discouraging situation to say the least.
There are pretty much no jobs in the mental health/non-profit sector in my area. However, I did find one that seemed like it might be a possible except the punctuation, grammar, and spelling were atrocious so I don't think I'm going to pursue it. Though I'm pretty sure I could get an interview because of my background/training.
Another reason I don't want to do it is because it's working in a group home for boys. After everything that happened at the rehab (for those of you who are new, go back & read my posts from April-July of last year. If you don't want to, let's just say that it ended with me being fired with no explanation) I just don't know if I can work in another setting like that.
On top of that, I essentially grew up isolated & have a hard time knowing what to do with kids. Especially boys. They always want to run around, be rough, & are loud. That scares me.
Plus the fact that I weighed myself yesterday & I'm 140 lbs. Not exactly imposing & commanding of respect. And if the rehab wasn't proof enough, my strategy of trying to gain respect by being friendly didn't work.
I JUST WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY JESUS H. CHRIST IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
So I don't know. Do you guys think I should apply? I've got to get out of this crap coffee shop.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
So I know I've already said what happened 2 1/2 weeks ago, but now comes the time when I actually blog about it.
My grandfather died.
Despite us not being close, I was still sad. Watching someone you've grown up with disintegrate like that...it's tough. Here is what happened....
Papa had been in really crappy health for a while. Having been a smoker since he was 7, he eventually had to quit a few years ago because of his emphysema. He also was prone to strokes & aneurysms. A few years ago the doctors thought he may have lung cancer, so they did some biopsies. This routine continued for a few years: maybe cancer! Oh wait! No, it's just scar tissue!
In September, it came back as being 100% positive that he had lung cancer. None of us knew really what was going to happen as far as treatment or prognosis, so all bazillion of us in our family tried to just be around as much as we could (give or take a few).
Then, in January, he decided to have a surgery that was not highly recommended. In fact, the survival rate was only about 10%, given his current state of health. But that dipshit went ahead & had it done. You can pretty much tell where this is going.
He did survive the surgery. Oh yeah guess what else: IT WASN'T CANCER! Lovely. Anyway, he was resting up at Duke for a few weeks. I even went & saw him, which is more than any of his 9 other grandchildren did during this time (granted, most of them live over an hour away & the majority of them are married, have kids, or are druggies with no mode of transportation). He seemed really out of it, & he looked like complete crap. Which is expected, being in the hospital & everything. While I was there visiting, the doctor even said that he could be sent to a nursing home by their house for his rehabilitation process! Joy!
However, while at the nursing home, his chest tubes wouldn't drain. His food would also go down his windpipe, so he had to get put on a feeding tube. Eventually, he had to go back to Duke. A few days after being released from Duke, his lung collapsed at home. My grandmother called my aunt, uncle, & cousin who live on the same property to come over, & then called 911. He coded in the ambulance but was revived by the time he got to the hospital. Once there, he was sedated & heavily drugged.
The day after that was when I came into the picture again. I had a few days off from work so I went home. I practically lived at the hospital, being there almost as much as my grandmother (who wouldn't leave). This whole time he was sedated, but supposedly could still hear us. This whole thing became somewhat of a family reunion for everyone, as family emergencies are prone to do. Aside from a few people (grandmother, aunt) we all knew what was going to eventually happen. As I told my mother when I headed back to Cary, "See you in a few days."
And I was right. That Sunday the doctor met with my parents & all of my dad's siblings & their spouses. That was when it was confirmed that my grandmother was going to have to make the call when to take the ventilator out because he could not stay as he was. I came back that day & just hung around the hospital & drove around with some of my cousins. Monday was basically the same. However, Monday night was bad for him & my grandmother decided to have the ventilator taken out Tuesday evening, so everyone could be there.
My family is huge, so we completely overtook the waiting room. Everyone was really anxious, but still in good spirits. The doctor said that it would only take a few minutes, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. It took forever. To the point where it seemed like he may bounce back & my grandmother started getting excited (it was so painful to watch). Everyone left except for my grandmother, my cousin Joey (not his name), & me because it was getting so late.
Eventually we tried to sleep, & then around 3:30am there was a call to the waiting room & my grandmother hurried up to the ICU. I followed a few minutes later, not wanting her to be by herself. The nurse told me that it probably wouldn't take much longer, so I called Joey & my parents (who live close to the hospital). Joey called his mom, too. The two of us went into the room with my grandmother & we all cried & held hands. My parents showed up so I stepped out because I was so emotionally drained. A little while later Joey's mom came, too. A few hours later my mother left for work (she took a half-day) & Joey & I got some breakfast at Cracker Barrel. Then we tried to sleep again, which was fail. Around 9 I had to peace out because my body was going numb. I passed my mom going into the hospital as I was leaving, & wished her luck. Two hours later she called me to tell me that he had died.
I'm not going to lie: I was kind of pissed that I hung out at the hospital all that time & he waits to die when I'm gone. Asshole.
My dad (who had already started planning the funeral with his only responsible sibling, Aunt Norah [not her name], her husband Tom [not his name], & my mother) got everything rocking & rolling. My cousin Amber (not her name) & I went through pictures to make a slideshow. A slideshow I basically got no credit for because while I found most of the pictures, Amber scanned them & put them on the disc. Whatever. It was still fun. I'm going to post them all later.
Overall, the service was crap. There was Southern gospel sung by some of my relatives. There was the pastor barely being able to make it through a complete sentence without stumbling over his words. There was also the pastor turning the funeral into a plea for everyone to accept Jesus into their hearts not just so they can spend eternity with God, but to do it so you can see my grandfather again. I am serious. He also said that babies cry when they're born because they see what kind of world we live in & want nothing to do with it. I say it is because they're naked, cold, & have a bunch of people pulling on them. I'm right.
I was a pallbearer with 5 of my other male cousins (there are actually 7 of us but 1 was in the process of moving back from Florida & couldn't make it) & let me just say that that junk is HEAVY. After the mausoleum portion, we went to my grandparent's church (where we have all of our Thanksgiving family reunions) & had a very nice meal where everything had pork in it. Because we are Southern & Everything Must Have Pork.
P.S. I don't eat pork.
I went back to Cary that day but on the way there I went to see my grandmother (she lives on the way). She was there alone & just seems lost. We just sat there & talked a while, & it was nice. Eventually my parents, Uncle Rob (not his name), Aunt Norah & her husband, Aunt Norah's first husband, & Joey all came by. A few hours later I left & just relaxed at my place.
Everything is back to normal, basically. My mother said that my grandmother is really lonely & doesn't want to change the sheets because they smell like my grandfather. It's going to take time, but she's a resilient old bird & has a bazillion people who will be there for her. My father, on the other hand, hasn't cried once. He wasn't close to my grandfather either & seems to be compartmentalizing. So my mother & I are kind of waiting to see what will happen with that.
Sorry this was such a long post. There was so much to say, & I just didn't feel like dealing with it right after it happened. Also, sorry about any typos. Don't feel like proof-reading.
P.S. I didn't include the part where my parents (& to a degree Aunt Norah) got in a fight with one of my cousins because it's really stupid. Like so stupid that I didn't realize it was a real fight for a little bit despite the fact that I was standing there for almost the whole thing.
P.P.S. I also forgot to include where one of my uncles showed up to the funeral drunk. He didn't act it, but you could smell it.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Wednesday night, after my church small group, I went for a drive. Frustrated with a lot of events & circumstances, I just needed to get away. And away I went.
I drove over 3 hours, just listening to music & reflecting on the events of the past few weeks. Spring has always been a really tough time for me. As is Winter, Summer, & Fall. But Spring especially is full of heartache. It's when I've lost numerous friendships, experienced failed relationships, almost gotten kicked out of college, & now have had 2 grandparents die. It is when life begins anew, yet for me it's when I am forced to reflect on the mookie-storm (still trying to not cuss) my life is & always has been.
I know that everyone experiences these feelings of loneliness, but I see no reason why I've always struggled socially. I literally have no friends from my childhood. I don't have friends from when I was a teenager (because I really only had one, & that lasted less than a year. That actually may make an interesting post later on). In fact, the oldest friendship I have at this point is about 4 years old at this point.
I guess I'm just frustrated right now. I need some alone time, which is basically what I'm complaining about. But this will be different. This will be used for reflection, & maybe I'll be able to finally figure out how I feel about my grandfather dying last week (spoiler alert!). My last class this semester is over next week, so hopefully I'll be able to make this happen.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Well, I've been featured on yet another website.
I told the webmaster that I have an entire series of these pictures that I am going to submit once I get them scanned.
Everyone should be very thankful that I have a sense of humor about the stuff that has/continues to happen to me because really, it benefits the world.