Monday, June 27, 2011

Going Downhill

It has recently come to my attention that I'm getting older.

I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but it's true. I am almost halfway to 50.

Now, I know this may bring me the ire of my readers that are much, much older than I am (Dr. Ken, I'm looking at you). However, I'm having difficulty accepting this harsh fact.

It's tough waking up in the morning after a long night of drinking by myself & actually having to deal with a hangover. In the past, I would be able to drink until I laid down & went to sleep (I refuse to black-out. Whenever I feel one coming on, I decide to "go to sleep"). The next morning, I would wake up feeling as bright & sunny as I possibly could considering I'm borderline homicidal when I wake up. But now? Now I have the headache. And my eyes don't focus as well. And I move quite sluggishly. Mookie.

And to be prematurely losing my hair. Granted, this has been going on since I took Depakote when I was 18 as a mood stabilizer & it was one of the side-effects. But since then, I feel like I've been fighting a losing battle. It is honestly the one thing in my life I'm the most self-conscious of. It's not that I weigh 140lbs or that my voice sounds like I'm always stopped-up, bored, & taking estrogen injections or even my inability to do anything with coordination or grace. It's the fact that my hair is thinning. Luckily, I've found some products that seem to be working to slow down the process & possibly reverse it, so we'll see.

And you know what? I can tell my metabolism is slowing down. Even though my arms & legs are still uber skinny, my tummy is getting some pooch to it. And baby doesn't like that.

AND I can't seem to function on 2 hours of sleep anymore. When I was in college, I would be on the internet or reading until the birds started chirping or later. Then, I'd wake up about 2 hours later & while still tired, I wasn't essentially a functional zombie. Nowadays, if I get much less than 5 hours (such as the way tonight is going to turn out, I see) I really struggle throughout the day.

If this is how the rest of my Twilight Years are going to be, I'm really not looking forward to it.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I Hate Caleb Shreves

Because heaven forbid I not be the butt of every joke in the world, Caleb over at The Blog Experiment (a very nice blog. He obviously puts more effort into his layout than I do) did a postthe other day where he stole (yes, stole!) a picture I had posted on my Facey B. In the picture he posted, I'm making a face & overall I just don't understand what was going on at the time.

The offending picture. Whert?!

Well, that asshole Caleb has done it again! He just now did another post where he steals EVEN MORE pictures from my childhood that I had posted on the internet. And he is obviously ridiculing me.

He's such a twat-waffle.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Friendship Liability Insurance

The other night, I had gone downtown to smoke hookah with Madison & Drew (Drew is a new guy at work). The place we decided to go to didn't have any parking spots so we had to go down a side street. Madison wasn't sure where to park so I told her to just pull in somewhere (there were cars everywhere) & we'd be fine. Plus there was the sign that said we could park there!

After our little hookah excursion in which there was a guy dressed as Pikachu & another guy wearing a skirt wandering around, we go back outside & walk to the cars. That's when I spot the piece of paper underneath her windshield wiper. And one in the same spot on Drew's car (he drove separately). They each got $30 tickets. Oops. Madison was upset because I "told" her to park there. I went over to the sign & saw that it said you could park there until 11pm (by this point it was close to 1am). I found this to be a bit humorous just because something similar had happened a month ago or so with Madison when we went to a coffee shop downtown. I "told" her to park there then, too. Whatevs. They're only $30 each & I may give her some cash for them since I do feel a smidge responsible.

While thinking about these incidents, it reminded me how often stuff like this happens. It seems like I have this innate ability to accidentally get people in trouble, possibly for something I played part in, & not get in trouble at all. The first of these stories occurred in my first semester at TFC. This was back when I hung out with Neil, Dan, & Robyn (made famous in my post about how I started drinking & then had a nervous breakdown). Robyn didn't live on campus & doesn't really play a part in this story at all, so screw him.

Anyway, Neil & Dan bought a smoke machine for some reason & were messing around with it in Dan's bathroom (his poor roommate...). I was getting ready to go to bed when I hit the button one last time & made it give a long, drawn out puff of smoke. Then I went to bed. About 5 minutes later, the smoke alarms begin ringing in the dorm. Well, shit. I come out of my room to see Dan & Neil already out of Dan's room looking panicked. The R.A. came out of his & was able to get the alarm off before more people came out of their rooms. He knew Neil & Dan were responsible so he told them he'd talk to them the next day. I just snuggled back in my bed, having sweet dreams.

The next day Dan & Neil were given 12 hours of gratis a piece (gratis was the form of punishment our school used for a while. If someone broke a rule or someone in authority just didn't like a student, they could be given gratis, which essentially was community service on campus or they could pay a fine for however many hours of gratis they were assigned). No one asked them whether or not I was involved, & they didn't volunteer that information for a few reasons. The first being that they knew I'd probably have a nervous breakdown if I was given gratis & the other reason being that they could then guilt me into submission. Whatever. Later on that week I was in Dan's room with Neil when the R.A. came in. I pretended to be asleep & heard the R.A. ask him if anyone else was involved & Neil said no. Thank you, Neil!

That weekend a former student who was friends with Neil & Dan came to visit. We all enjoyed camping (yes, I do enjoy camping. Surprise!) so that was on the agenda. Since we were paying thousands of dollars to be treated like children, we were required to fill out an overnight pass that listed where you would be & who you were with. The overnight pass was then signed by an R.A. & taped to your door in case they did bed checks or there was an emergency. However, since Dan & Neil had gratis they weren't allowed to go anywhere overnight. But they wouldn't let that stop them! Unfortunately for them, I forgot about that rule & put on my overnight pass that they were going to be with me. Oops!

After a horrendous night in the woods where Dan didn't include the covering of the tent & it poured for hours (I was the only one who brought a sleeping bag so I ended up not sleeping in a puddle), we came back & they each had 6 more hours of gratis for going out with outstanding gratis.

So in one week I managed to accidentally get them 18 hours of gratis. Though I was able to help them work it off by helping me with Student Government projects.

But my reign of terror doesn't end there! The next year after Neil & Robyn were gone, Dan had begun dating his future wife. We didn't hang out much then (as if I haven't already presented numerous reasons why) but we still talked occasionally. I was late going to chapel (we had to go to chapel a certain number of times a semester) when I saw them walking away from the chapel. I hollered, "What? Are you guys skipping chapel?!" They looked guilty & didn't answer. That's when I saw one of the deans of the school walking farther ahead. Shit. The next day Dan texted me freaking out because both he & Chelsea got about 8 hours of gratis & the rest of their chapel skips taken away from them for the rest of the semester because of that.

There have been other instances where I was the one who caused something to happen but I wasn't the one who got in trouble, but these are the ones that stick out the most in my mind. Also, this post is already running long & most people will have stopped reading by now.

I swear I'm not a bad friend! These things just happen!

And on a similar note, the entire time I was at TFC I never got gratis. Not even that time I almost got kicked out.

Monday, June 20, 2011


Yesterday, I went to my grandma's church. This wouldn't be a big deal except that her pastor is the same pastor from this story. In case you don't want to read about the debacle of my grandfather's death, let me refresh you: the pastor basically turned the funeral into an alter call for people to become saved not just so they could be with Jesus, but so they could also be reunited with my grandfather. He was also just really slimy.

At the service, he was very loud. And just like at the funeral, he coughed the entire time. The most offensive thing he did though was when he was talking about all of the people who needed prayer & he got to two of my great-aunts. Aunt Etta, bless her heart, has had Alzheimer's for a decade at least. And this wonderful pastor said, "And Miss Etta could still use your prayers. She's still hanging on." Well no shit, Sherlock. And she's not going to get better until her body just completely shuts down. Now be respectful of HER CHILDREN, SISTER (my grandmother), nieces, & nephews in the congregation & don't be a twat.

His next attack on my family came when talking about my great-aunt Shirley. I don't even know what's wrong with her except she's in the hospital & probably won't be around much longer. The pastor told everyone, "Yeah, Shirley's in the hospital. Not doing too good. I'm going to visit her tonight." Sigh.

I know I may be blowing this out of proportion, but I just find the way he handles things to be really disrespectful. He also has a terrible comb-over.

On another note, my cousin Jason (not his real name) was arrested Saturday night at a Phish concert. I'm waiting for that magazine with mugshots to come out on Friday & hopefully he'll be in it so he can autograph it. I might as well try to make a crappy situation a little funnier.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Wee Update

My computer is finally back! Too bad it had to have a new hard drive so I'm essentially starting over with a few things. Thankfully most everything got put on an external before I shipped it off. Too bad that Microsoft Office won't work for now, which means I may have lost A LOT of work. Thankfully I found a disc that may re-install it.

Oh yeah, I might be transferring schools again.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

People Suck

I just really don't understand why people feel the need to be rude. Working in customer service, I deal with it all the time. But when I'm the customer, I legitimately don't understand why people feel the need to be rude to me when I'm just asking a question, needing clarification, or I'm ordering. I think I'm quite friendly. In fact, I'm only ever rude when provoked.

What brought this on was an event that just occurred mere moments ago. My license expires in a month & thus I need to renew it. Considering my birthday is the same day that it expires (huh....) then I would like to have my photo i.d. back by then so I can drink myself into oblivion. To make this very desirable outcome take place, I called the local DMV where the guy was kind of an ass. Everything I said was met with a slowed voice as if I was stupid, as well as a snotty tone. I did end up making the appointment.

After that I called a DMV around where my parents live, since they're usually nicer than the one in my hometown, as well as less busy. The woman that answered was a total hag. She asked when I wanted an appointment, & I told her to give me some times they had available & I'd pick. Apparently, that was a completely ridiculous request & was met with more snot. I ended up telling her to forget it & I'd call back when I had a better idea of my schedule & was in a race to hang up before her. I think I lost. Bitch.

Another time, I was at the post office & the employee was so rude to me that the woman in like behind me was in shock. My response? Saying that I hoped that her cat got run over. Not my best comeback, but I was in shock as well.

I just really don't get it. I mean, I'm not a fan of my job but I'm quite pleasant to people in spite of that. I just wish people could extend the same courtesy.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Feel The Burn

I'm not what one would consider a smoker. Aside from the occasional social cigarette every few weeks (or months), I don't smoke at all. In fact, I've never even bought my own pack.

Well, today as I was driving around with Madison (who does smoke), I bummed a cigarette from her. Our mission had been to buy her a hookah, so I was just in a tobacco-y mood. However, as we were cruising down the highway, listening to "Hey Soul Sister" (it's so generic but so, so catchy), with the windows down, it began to rain. These huge water drops were splashing onto me, so I throw out my cigarette & roll up the window.

Only of course, it's not that simple. As I lean back against my seat, I feel this piercing burn. Confused & frightened, I leaned forward to see the cigarette fall from it's comfortable position against my back & into the seat, exactly when my butt would be once I sit down. Luckily, I was able to pick it up & correctly throw it out the window. However, I did suffer a minor rash & burned a small hole in my shirt.

And that's why you shouldn't smoke.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A Risk-Taker, Adventurer, & Good Samaritan (I Am All Of These)

Today, as I was venturing out to see my counselor, I decided to try something I haven't done once since moving to the greater Raleigh area in September.

I attempted to drive downtown without using my GPS.

My lack of a sense of direction is legendary, having once gotten lost in my own neighborhood while looking at Christmas lights one year. Once my parents finally bought me my GPS, I was set. And by set, I mean hopelessly dependent.

I don't go downtown very often, due to my lack of social life & living in a suburb where there are enough things to do that it isn't necessary to always go to Raleigh. But when I do go downtown, I always use my GPS. In my defense, however, is the fact that downtown is ridiculously confusing & has atrocious parking, as well as some of the most rage-inducing driving I've ever witnessed.

Since the list of things I do on a weekly basis is relatively short, I don't usually have to worry about programming a bunch of addresses in very often; I just scroll through the list & boom! There's my destination! But today, I decided to cut the cord, if you will (& you will). Having been going to this particular place (actually, it's at my church's office where I'll hopefully be doing my internship eventually) long enough that I would essentially be borderline retarded at this point if I couldn't find it without my GPS, I embarked on my excursion.

Guess what happened.

I'm sure you're all guessing that I got hopelessly lost, because that's how almost all of my stories on here tend to be. If you guessed that I got lost then...


You're wrong. I got there just fine. In fact, I managed to find a parking spot directly outside the building that didn't require me to parallel park between two cars (I just had to back in because it was the first spot in that particular line). I was feeling mighty good about myself as I strutted down the sidewalk & marched up the stairs. That's when I was greeted by one of the interns.

It turns out my counselor was still on vacation & no one had told me.

On the plus side, this was a good experience because it forced me to try something I've been needing to do for a while. It also allowed me to help someone else, as another young man parked right behind me as I was walking back to my car. I told him to take my spot as I pulled up & he said it was ok, but I insisted that he should since I had only parked there about 5 minutes so he would basically have a free hour. He thanked me & took my spot.

Then I had to use my GPS to get out of downtown because it's different than how you get there.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Artistic Temperament

The other night, I came upon the business card of a guy who uses scrap pieces of wood to carve guitar picks, jewelry, & other crap. He's actually pretty good, if I do say so myself. What's not so good, however, is his attitude. Basically, just like a lot of artists, he takes himself & his work too seriously.

Example? This little ditty is from the back of the card.

"There is an incredible & intangible feeling that occurs when my hands coerce what I envision out of these raw materials. When the coupling of mind, medium, and machine is strong the result beckons to be seen and shared. To see this work emerge from small salvaged blocks, watching refinement arise from chaos, noise, and saw dust evokes the sensation that I want to convey to everyone who cherishes the incalculable and incomparable beauty of the natural world."

What an ass.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Never Fear (Also, You Pick The Story Again)

Just wanted to let everyone know that my return to the blogging world is imminent! While my computer isn't fixed yet, I'm taking my mom's so I can do "homework" (but seriously).

On an update with my computer, apparently something was jacked up with the hard drive too. Thank goodness I put everything on an external. And it sure was nice of the people to tell me they were keeping it an unspecified amount of time. Sure was.....


Ok, so I'm going to let you guys pick my next story. Your 3 choices this time are...

1. The time I almost got kicked out of college
2. My experience with being in wrecks
3. A guy that we dubbed "The Mayor Of Creepsville" in college.

Vote away! And vote fast!