Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Perfect Storm

Instead of finishing any of the homework that is progressively piling up & stressing me out, I have decided to share with you all a very special story.

When I was 14, I visited a Lutheran church with my friend Courtney. Growing up Protestant, we always used grape juice for communion, but those Lutherans know how to get it done. Granted, I only had a super small sip, but I knew alcohol & I would someday become friends.

While I worked at the movie theater (both times) & during my year in high school & tenure at community college, I was around people who drank a lot but I never partook. This wasn't necessarily because I thought it would be wrong. No, it was because I never got invited to anything where there was alcohol. Judging from how things played out later, maybe it was good I didn't discover the Magical Drink for a while.

January, 2007. I was 20 & beginning my 2nd semester at "real college" in Georgia. I had been invited to go to Florida by some guys (including Robyn, who visited me last summer in Florida) to go with them & visit another friend (Neil) who had transferred at the end of last semester. The whole trip was kind of wonky, with Neil & Robyn up each others butts, Dan constantly texting his underage girlfriend, & me just kind of there. There was a lot of drama going on back in Georgia & I was preoccupied with that hot mess.

Let me go on & put this out here: I've changed a lot since then. I was even more awkward at that time & more socially inept. Because of that, I was treated like Does that make sense? It still happens some now, but not to the same degree. People treat me like I'm this retarded child who can occasionally do tricks (such as making inappropriate comments & saying ridiculous things) but can't really take care of himself.

Anyway. We had access to alcohol, because of course we did. In the course of about an hour, I had drank Skyy vodka, multiple Smirnoff Ice, Starbucks liqueur, Jack Daniels, & maybe some wine & beer. I don't remember that part. But needless to say, I was completely blasted off my ass. In fact, I was so drunk that I decided it would be a good idea to walk around outside naked. I then proceeded to go into the bathroom & announce that I was going to try to masturbate. My friends didn't like that so much, so they did everything they could to distract me from the other room. It worked. I was unpleased.

By this point, I was wearing underwear. That doesn't necessarily mean that I was wearing them correctly. There were pictures of me sprawled on the couch with my...friends just laying about. I also told Robyn I hated him because he had weaseled in my friendship with Neil (this wasn't the first time something like that had happened to me). I was a hot damn mess.

But guess what! I had nary a hangover the next day. Luckily, I never had another night like that again. Yes, there was another naked drunk night a few years later (connected to a drinking game) but I never again yelled at anyone or tried to get my wank-on while other people were around.

Granted, the rest of the trip was complete mookie. I basically had a nervous breakdown the next night because of stress & feeling left out by the other 3 & almost killed myself. Then I told my dad about everything that happened & he threatened to cut me off financially (like from the $2,000 in my savings account that was technically in their name). It also set off a chain reaction of events for the rest of the semester that led to me almost transferring to another school.

But if nothing else, I learned that I love drinking.


Gradgrind said...

I loved the moral of that story "But if nothing else, I learned that I love drinking."

Hope you don't mind but I have linked your blog at:

Aubree said...

there's always one friend texting an underage girlfriend. true story.

Caleb said...

I love how you tell stories of naked, drunken debauchery that leads to near-self-mutilation with such irreverence and under the moral of learning to love drinking.

It takes a true wordsmith to make a sentence like: "By this point, I was wearing underwear."

Nice work.

Andrew said...

Gradgrind, I don't mind at all.

Aubree, yes.

Caleb, I appreciate the compliment. My mom would be so proud after years of home schooling me I was able to write such a fine piece of literature.

Caleb said...

Ah... home schooling. That explains a lot.

Did you read Becky's new post today at Steam Me Up Kid?

She rocks. And, she commented on my blog last week.

Yes, I had a weeklong boner. Sue me.