That Time I Turned 25 & Assaulted Someone

So remember a while back when I said that I would post about my 25th birthday that occurred in July? Well, now it's finally time to make that happen.

To start off with, I woke up to a bazillion Facebook notifications from people that don't normally talk to me, as is their wont. Then Madison came over & gave me these awesome shoes.

My feet aren't actually that big.

Then we went to the place where we get our piercings done. She got the back of her neck pierced for the 3rd time (long story) & I finally got an industrial piercing like I've wanted for an eternity.

Success!

After that, I had dinner with my small group from church. That was pretty uneventful, as was the barhopping afterwards. I was photographed all sweaty & gross with Katie.

Gross!

After we took that picture, Katie & I went downstairs to get some more drinks & unfortunately missed this redneck girl giving some guy a lap dance. My church friends decided that it was time to hightail it out of there, so off we went. Then this guy from my group, Brad (who was really drunk) became very belligerent & yelling at passersby (on top of making a lot of sexist & misogynistic comments). I was trying to calm him down & get him to shut up. Eventually he left (drunk. We tried to stop him but he wouldn't not).

But Brad isn't done! You see, he had seen Madison on my Facebook & had been messaging her. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of terrible at being able to tell whether or not people are a good fit for one another, so I just told her to give him a chance; however, she was already grossed out by him before they met because of some of the texts he had sent. Anyway, the night after my birthday I had a party with the people from work & anyone else who wanted to come. Well, since Madison was going to be there Brad wanted to be there as well. He showed up at the restaurant & would hardly talk to anyone. And when he did, he was incredibly judgmental & kind of an ass. Now, I'm not going to say that any of the rest of us handled the situation very well, but needless to say he left before the party resumed at my place.

Once we got to my place, everyone proceeded to drink a bit. I was good for a while, until close to the end when people were starting to leave & that asshole Sam got me to start doing shots (I never do shots). After having had about 4 beers previously, the 4 to 5 Malibu shots kind of sent me over the edge.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, when I get really...drinky...I begin shedding clothes. First was my shirt...

That's Kristin. She's important in a minute.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending...) there are no pictures of me once I got into my underwear. Anyway, for some reason or another I went up to my room & as I was coming back down the stairs I fell. Luckily I didn't go head over ass or anything like that. I just fell & kind of...slid down. Anyway, when I reached the bottom, Kristin, who was also not in her most lucid mind, threw a cookie at me. This cookie hit me in the mouth & gosh darn it, it hurt! I wasn't going to stand for that so I chucked my phone at her. Surprisingly, drunk me has better aim than sober me because the next thing I see is Kristin's head flying back as my phone made contact with her face.

As was seen in one of the first pictures on here, my phone is really big (a Droid). This next picture is the aftermath...

Kristin, with ice on her lip & blood on the floor next to her, waving at the camera.

After that, I called it a night & went upstairs. Then the stomachy feeling started & I took my pillow & a blanket in with me to the bathroom, where I proceeded to puke off & on for about an hour, all the while having "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse stuck in my head. I was upset about her dying earlier that day, so having that particular song & her dead voice stuck in my head while I was already sick just made it worse.

After that, I realized that I needed to get my shit together. I've only been really drunk once since then, but I've made a concerted effort to cut back on the drinking. I'm 25 years old & don't need to be throwing shit at people.

Stop The Insanity

Remember my posts about the girl with Down's Syndrome who wouldn't leave me alone?

Well, that situation hasn't resolved itself. After telling her I couldn't continue communicating with her, she got her mother involved. Then I blocked her number. Then she started e-mailing me. And she's also gotten people who go to her church (the same church that I went to from 10-15) that I'm friends with on Facebook to message me & find out where I am & how she can continue to contact me.

How is this even happening?

Also, I will be posting more in the next few days, seeing as my classwork has died down some. Only have one more assignment left, though that one can potentially make or break whether or not I pass the class. Also, it combined with the class I finished last week left me randomly bursting into tears.

But it's grad school. It's ok to cry.

This Is What Happened....

It looks like I'm going to have to change my phone number.

I told Christy today that I had gotten her texts while my phone was "broken" & that I thought it was best we didn't talk anymore. That we didn't have anything in common. She called me immediately. I didn't answer & texted her back to not call me. She left me a 3 minute long voicemail, most of which was her forgetting to hang up. Sigh....

She started texting me again tonight when she apologized. I told her that I didn't think that was necessary because she hadn't done anything wrong. My whole thing with responding was that I didn't want her feeling bad when she didn't need to. But that opened up the floodgates again...

Then she started asking me why I said what I said, & that our old pastor told her he misses me & wants me to come back. I ignored that one.

Then she told me she had two questions for me. The first was if we were still best friends. I asked her what the second question was as my response. The other was why I told her not to call me. Sigh.

She's currently pestering me about forgetting her birthday & not going to her birthday dinner.

What drives me crazy about all of this is knowing that her grown-ass parents are there probably encouraging this. I mean, I told your daughter that I didn't want to be friends anymore & you're still giving her help on what to say?! Then again, letting her have a Facebook & giving her a phone with texting is much better than actually spending time with their handicapped daughter.

This has to get nipped in the bud pronto.

That Time I Could Have Had A Girlfriend

As most people know, I'm not exactly someone who dates a lot; my last relationship was over 2 years ago, & I haven't dated since. Not because I'm so damaged from that relationship that it has impeded my ability to ever love again. No, that lasted a month. And she was 17 while I was 22. And she was a junior in high school while I was a senior in college. But that's another story. The reason I don't date now is a mixture of shyness, anxiety, depression, laziness, & not being interested.

Since beggars can't be choosers, you'd think I might snatch up any chance I had to date someone. And you may be right in some respects. So maybe I'm crazy, but this week I passed up the chance to date a girl from my hometown. She texted me non-stop & would literally beg to see me. The reason why I decided against it?

She had Down's Syndrome.

I'm not a hater. My mom is a special education teacher so I've grown up being sensitive to those with special needs & disabilities. And this post isn't meant to be in poor taste or to make fun of her because of her disability. Not at all. This is just me relaying yet another ridiculous story in my life.

Anyway, Christy (not her name) & I were friends a long time ago. After my parents & I moved to Rocky Mount, we began attending the same church as Christy & her parents, Donna & Mark (not their names either). My mother became friends with Donna, so Christy & I were naturally forced together. However, it became apparent pretty quickly that we were just being used as free babysitters, & a few years later Donna dropped my mom like a hot rock when a better friendship option presented itself. I didn't mind, because Christy was a terror. Her parents let her do whatever she wanted & didn't seem to take into account that she was handicapped. That might have required effort.

So about a year ago Christy added me on Facebook, as is her wont to do. She asked for my number & I gave it to her, but nothing came of it. Eventually, as I was going through one of my rage-induced friend cleanses on Facebook, I deleted her. Well this past week she added me again, then called me immediately afterwards before I could respond to her friend request. We talked for a few minutes, & when I hung up she began to text me non-stop. Shortly after that was when she asked me point-blank if I would let her be my girlfriend.

Shit.

I told her I didn't think that was a good idea because I didn't think of her that way, saw her as a little sister, blah blah blah. She didn't like that response, because she spent the next 3 days trying to convince/manipulate me into getting into a relationship with her, even going so far as to say that I was her only chance. She tried to get me to move back to Rocky Mount, & when I told her I didn't want to because I didn't like it there, she said that meant that I didn't like her. Where was she getting this crap?!

She invited me to her birthday dinner, & then asked me immediately afterwards what I was getting her. I told her that was rude to ask, & she took that to mean that I was calling her rude. She is, but that wasn't what I was saying at the moment. After a few days of this kind of manipulation & constant texting where she's always asking me what I was doing & literally BEGGING to see me, I had had enough. I blocked her on Facebook & told her that my phone was messing up & that I couldn't text anymore. That isn't a lie, either. My phone really is messed up & it takes an eternity to type out a text message.

Part of me feels bad for not being willing to continue this, but it isn't fair for either one of us. It keeps her thinking more is going on than it is, while at the same time it drives me crazy with the constant texting & brings back bad memories.

But really all I want to know is how she was able to text so well. The thought of someone helping her write that crap is almost more infuriating than the whole situation in itself.

Birthday Story 2

For my 21st birthday, I was in Rocky Mount for the summer. As I've mentioned before, I began drinking when I was 20 so it didn't really matter to me much; besides, I didn't have any friends in Rocky Mount so I had no expectations. Plus! My birthday was on a Sunday in the south, which meant that most places were going to be dry (no alcohol served, because God only cares what you do on Sunday).

My dad had already moved to Toccoa for his job, so my mom & I went to their church. At that point, I still had a smidge of a relationship with some of the youth/young adults at the church so I asked some of them what they were doing after church as far as lunch. I told them it was my birthday & I would like to go somewhere. Well, they would only go to lunch at Golden Corral (a buffet). I decided that wasn't going to be my birthday lunch so my mom & I went to Chili's. It was as good as Chili's is going to be. Especially without alcohol.

We went back to the house & my mom started nagging me to try to hang out with ANYONE I could find, just so I wouldn't be alone. I tried another guy at the church, but he didn't want to do anything so I said, "Fuck it" & went to the damn mall by myself. When I got there, I bought myself some clothes for a present (I had already gotten stuff from my parents & grandma). Then I went to Blockbuster (ha! Old school) to rent something but couldn't find anything. Drat!

So then I went to my grandma's house & watched Disney Channel.

Happy 21st to me!

Birthday Story 1

It's my birthday week, so every day this week I'm going to post a story about some past birthday extravaganza or whatever. Since I don't have much time today I'm going to write a short piece about my one & only surprise party.

When I was 15, I was well aware of the fact that I didn't have many friends (I had literally 1 friend). As my 16th birthday approached, I told my mother that I wanted a surprise party. She said ok. Well, that was easy.

The day after my birthday was a Wednesday which meant I had youth group at church. As my dad & I were heading there (my mom was already conveniently there) my dad took a wrong turn "accidently". I thought it was really stupid, but I sometimes think my dad is stupid so it wasn't THAT big of a stretch. We finally got to the church & my 1 friend Cooper was there. He kept talking to me & talking to me & trying to distract me but I hate being late so I pushed by him into the youth room. That was when I saw my mom, my youth leader, & about 5 other youth group members just...in there.

I ruined the surprise.

.....surprise......

On top of that, my mother didn't tell anyone in advance so hardly anyone had shown up, nor did I get any presents. At least she tried.

But hey, it's better than how my ACTUAL birthday had been the day before. I had gone to driver's ed, then gone to Raleigh for a terrible counseling session, followed by Olive Garden where I almost immediately had an allergic reaction to something & my father had to literally carry me out of the restaurant because I couldn't walk.

That Time I Almost Got Kicked Out Of College

I've alluded to this post a few times, & now it's time for y'all to experience the wonder.

Are you ready?

It was literally a day before Spring Break my second year at Toccoa. I was driving down the main road with Ij (short for Italian Job, a name Alexa gave him because he looks Italian but he isn't) when he got a call from his hysterical girlfriend, LL. Apparently, she had been called to meet with one of the deans of the school because someone had read LL's Xanga in which she wrote about a get-together at The Mayor of Creepsville's house where there was some alcohol consumed; that person then printed off a copy of the post & gave it to the dean. Since we attended a school that rewarded this kind of behavior. Drinking was a big no-no regardless of age or whether or not you lived on campus. The most common form of punishment for such a heinous activity was a crap-ton of gratis (which, as I have mentioned before, is like community service around campus), suspension, or expulsion. So obviously, LL being really upset was understandable. I felt really bad for her.

That is until about 2 hours later when I got a text from Christian, who was currently the SGA president: the dean wanted to speak to me. Shit. I still had about an hour left of my shift (back in the day when I was a host at Applebee's & thought working lunch was good), & that entire time I almost had an anxiety attack. I had no idea whether I was going to be forced to testify LL or anyone else, or whether I had been thrown under the bus as well. Either way, I hurried over to the school after work to go ahead & get it over with...

Now, the dean is a reasonably nice person. He has a very... calming demeanor. I sat down & he told me how he had already spoken to LL about her Xanga post, & then went into reading quotes from it. This was when I learned that LL included all of the names of the people who had been at the party (of which I was included). Now, I can understand why she would think it was ok to put our names. I mean, it was 2008 & homeslice was still writing on Xanga. Nobody had been reading that shit for years. But seriously?! You're going to post on a public forum that anyone can read that you had been drinking & include the names of everyone there? Idiot.

The kicker? I didn't even drink that time. I wasn't even going to go because it was at The Mayor of Creepsville's house (THAT'S going to be a fun post...) but I had gotten in a fight with my dad (who I was living with at the time since he was working in the same town I went to college) & left to hang out with Ij. I stayed maybe an hour & smoked one cigarette. And all of this crap was happening to me.

Sometimes I make really bad choices.

I explained all of this to the dean, who didn't seem mad at all. I didn't like that. I need the other person to react one way or the other so I can react. I obviously don't do well making my own choices. He was just really quiet. And that's when I started talking...running my mouth about how I thought I had a drinking problem because I would physically feel pain if I didn't drink. How it ran on both sides of my family. How I could just drink & drink & be drunk but not stop or get sick.

Jesus.

That was when the entire mood of the meeting changed. Now he wanted to fix me. Well, at least I didn't think I would get kicked out anymore! So there was that. He decided to have weekly accountability meetings with me to make sure I was overcoming my plight as a potential alcoholic. I thought that wouldn't be so bad. But then the mood changed to one slightly more ominous. This was when the dean wanted me to tell him who Ij was (only his first name was in the Xanga post). I didn't want to do it. I really didn't want to be a snake. But I knew I had no choice because it would potentially get me in more trouble, plus the fact that I knew he probably already knew. So I told him.

He talked to Ij later that day, as well as the other 3 guys involved (The Mayor of Creepsville, a ginger kid that may not have any functioning brain cells, & the guy who died earlier this year). They set up a meeting for all of us to get together after Spring Break, & basically all that ended up being was the dean & another dean telling us why we were wrong for drinking & The Mayor of Creepsville trying to debate them. While everyone got involved for the most part, I kept my mouth shut.

I was surprised, but none of us got suspended, expelled, or at the very least gratis. It was just really odd how it all worked out, especially when we were basically completely screwed. In fact, there was a group of people who got busted for drinking around the same time & they all got a lot of gratis & weren't allowed to play on their respective sports teams for the rest of the year. I know they may have been held to a higher standard, but I was really involved on SGA & the dean did mention that I may need to be removed if my behavior didn't change. But that was that.

In the end, I distanced myself from that group. LL left school at the end of that semester. I continued to keep my distance from The Mayor of Creepsville. I also avoided the dead guy because he was an ass. The ginger? We never really hung out much anyway. Ij ended up getting kicked out the next year because of alcohol (& because The Mayor of Creepsville sucks).

I ended up going about a month without drinking, until this horrible night when Ij & LL had sex in my dad's bed. I also continued going to the accountability meetings until I realized that all the dean wanted was to use me as a narc since he knew that while I didn't hang out with people much, I knew a lot of what was happening with people. So I quit going.

And Spring Break? It was decent fun in Daytona until I kind of realized that one of the only reasons I was invited was because I had a car. Assholes.

Friendship Liability Insurance

The other night, I had gone downtown to smoke hookah with Madison & Drew (Drew is a new guy at work). The place we decided to go to didn't have any parking spots so we had to go down a side street. Madison wasn't sure where to park so I told her to just pull in somewhere (there were cars everywhere) & we'd be fine. Plus there was the sign that said we could park there!

After our little hookah excursion in which there was a guy dressed as Pikachu & another guy wearing a skirt wandering around, we go back outside & walk to the cars. That's when I spot the piece of paper underneath her windshield wiper. And one in the same spot on Drew's car (he drove separately). They each got $30 tickets. Oops. Madison was upset because I "told" her to park there. I went over to the sign & saw that it said you could park there until 11pm (by this point it was close to 1am). I found this to be a bit humorous just because something similar had happened a month ago or so with Madison when we went to a coffee shop downtown. I "told" her to park there then, too. Whatevs. They're only $30 each & I may give her some cash for them since I do feel a smidge responsible.

While thinking about these incidents, it reminded me how often stuff like this happens. It seems like I have this innate ability to accidentally get people in trouble, possibly for something I played part in, & not get in trouble at all. The first of these stories occurred in my first semester at TFC. This was back when I hung out with Neil, Dan, & Robyn (made famous in my post about how I started drinking & then had a nervous breakdown). Robyn didn't live on campus & doesn't really play a part in this story at all, so screw him.

Anyway, Neil & Dan bought a smoke machine for some reason & were messing around with it in Dan's bathroom (his poor roommate...). I was getting ready to go to bed when I hit the button one last time & made it give a long, drawn out puff of smoke. Then I went to bed. About 5 minutes later, the smoke alarms begin ringing in the dorm. Well, shit. I come out of my room to see Dan & Neil already out of Dan's room looking panicked. The R.A. came out of his & was able to get the alarm off before more people came out of their rooms. He knew Neil & Dan were responsible so he told them he'd talk to them the next day. I just snuggled back in my bed, having sweet dreams.

The next day Dan & Neil were given 12 hours of gratis a piece (gratis was the form of punishment our school used for a while. If someone broke a rule or someone in authority just didn't like a student, they could be given gratis, which essentially was community service on campus or they could pay a fine for however many hours of gratis they were assigned). No one asked them whether or not I was involved, & they didn't volunteer that information for a few reasons. The first being that they knew I'd probably have a nervous breakdown if I was given gratis & the other reason being that they could then guilt me into submission. Whatever. Later on that week I was in Dan's room with Neil when the R.A. came in. I pretended to be asleep & heard the R.A. ask him if anyone else was involved & Neil said no. Thank you, Neil!

That weekend a former student who was friends with Neil & Dan came to visit. We all enjoyed camping (yes, I do enjoy camping. Surprise!) so that was on the agenda. Since we were paying thousands of dollars to be treated like children, we were required to fill out an overnight pass that listed where you would be & who you were with. The overnight pass was then signed by an R.A. & taped to your door in case they did bed checks or there was an emergency. However, since Dan & Neil had gratis they weren't allowed to go anywhere overnight. But they wouldn't let that stop them! Unfortunately for them, I forgot about that rule & put on my overnight pass that they were going to be with me. Oops!

After a horrendous night in the woods where Dan didn't include the covering of the tent & it poured for hours (I was the only one who brought a sleeping bag so I ended up not sleeping in a puddle), we came back & they each had 6 more hours of gratis for going out with outstanding gratis.

So in one week I managed to accidentally get them 18 hours of gratis. Though I was able to help them work it off by helping me with Student Government projects.

But my reign of terror doesn't end there! The next year after Neil & Robyn were gone, Dan had begun dating his future wife. We didn't hang out much then (as if I haven't already presented numerous reasons why) but we still talked occasionally. I was late going to chapel (we had to go to chapel a certain number of times a semester) when I saw them walking away from the chapel. I hollered, "What? Are you guys skipping chapel?!" They looked guilty & didn't answer. That's when I saw one of the deans of the school walking farther ahead. Shit. The next day Dan texted me freaking out because both he & Chelsea got about 8 hours of gratis & the rest of their chapel skips taken away from them for the rest of the semester because of that.

There have been other instances where I was the one who caused something to happen but I wasn't the one who got in trouble, but these are the ones that stick out the most in my mind. Also, this post is already running long & most people will have stopped reading by now.

I swear I'm not a bad friend! These things just happen!

And on a similar note, the entire time I was at TFC I never got gratis. Not even that time I almost got kicked out.

The Life Ruiner

Because there really isn't much to report in my life right now that isn't super depressing, I'm going to write about my experiences with the person who gave me my first taste of an individual sucking in every way imaginable.

Ashley (not her real name) & I went to college together my first year away from home. She had been a student the year before, & had been a part of the friend group that I initially became a part of once I transferred there. I had been warned previously that she was very loud, obnoxious, dramatic, & couldn't be trusted, but in my naiveté I thought I could handle it.

I was wrong. Initially.

Things at first went well. Yes, she was loud, obnoxious, & dramatic, but I didn't see so much that she couldn't be trusted. In fact, she seemed like she could be very trustworthy! But then I started to notice how events that I was present for began to sound...different when they were retold by her. And how she would just look at someone & right there on the spot make up a rumor about them without any prior conversation with them.

Bitch was scary.

In the span of two weeks she wrecked two cars (one of which I was in [which is another story]). It was around this time that she became very attached to this guy, Greg (not even close to his real name). The thing with Greg though was that he had a girlfriend at the time named Hope. However, Hope was best friends with Ashley (you can see where this is going). But before any of that crap came out, first Hope announces to everyone that she's not coming back the next semester. Well, whatever. That happens. But right before finals, Ashley tells certain people in our friend group (not me) that her friend, Jesse (who was in a gang, according to her) had a rival gang going after him & his friends. Which included Ashley. And then that somehow spread to Ashley's friends (which included me, unbeknownst to me).

Then one night before school let out, Ashley came back to her room with her clothes all torn up, saying she had been raped by the rival gang. Oh noes!

So that got the rest of our friends banded together (except for me, who was kept in the dark. Thanks!). The winter term (which lasted two weeks) was when I found out, & at first I was really upset until I began to realize how the story didn't make much sense. After comparing notes with other people, I decided that it wasn't true. And neither was a lot of what she had said, such as another one of my friends hitting her (which I didn't believe for a second). It was also around this time that it came out that Ashley & Greg had been hooking up, which caused a split in the friend group. I ended up going with the people who weren't with Ashley, because my mama didn't raise no fool (sometimes).

The rest of the semester was still pretty dramatic with Ashley still on campus, leaving drama & horror in her hefty wake. By the end of the semester, she & Greg were no longer friends & she was slashing her own tires & blaming him for it (he was even out of town when that happened). Luckily her grades were terrible so she transferred to another school. She was out of my life.

Not so fast!

Ashley began visiting a lot at the end of the next fall semester because Hope returned & they patched things up. Then her cousin, Erica, came into the picture over Christmas break. She befriended a lot of people since she was going to be attending TFC the next semester. It was weird though that Erica only had a Myspace & didn't have a cell phone. In any case, she & Greg (who had also left TFC) began flirting online. Then all of the sudden, Erica is no longer going to school there & Ashley is involved in our lives again because it was just. so. dramatic. I wasn't having it, because by that point I had already figured out with Caitlin that Erica was really Ashley. But it was fun to just string her along, not gonna lie.

It especially became fun when all of the sudden Erica went from a really thin punk girl with brown hair to a more chunky girl with blonde hair & blue eyes.

After the Erica drama died down, I thought everything would be over with her. Until she moved to Toccoa. Are you serious?! And then she tried to get a job at Applebee's! I told the manager not to hire her, but he didn't listen. Eventually, he did tell me he should have. Thank you, Dean.

In that time at Applebee's, she got raped again. Wow. She has terrible luck, doesn't she? She also managed to alienate herself from almost every friend she had, which wasn't shocking. Thankfully, she was gone by the end of the summer (her choice, though I so wanted to see her get fired). She popped up from time to time, but managed to not bring any drama with her. The last time I saw her was in 2009 when I was working over Christmas break. She was visiting (she just never goes away!) & asked me why I had blocked her on Facebook. I told her that being friends with her just caused too much drama & left it at that.

So over time, I definitely learned to handle her better. Especially after her first rape incident. That was also when I learned how batshit crazy some people are.

I also need to add that I left out certain pieces that didn't ultimately impact the outcome of the story. Like how she had "gotten pregnant" before I went to TFC. And how she "had cancer" at one point. And how Jesse "died in a car accident" the semester after her "rape" but then a few weeks later she posted new pictures of herself with him on Facebook. Or how she got Jesse to message me on Facebook & try to start some drama with me about a comment someone had made on a picture I had posted.

And before people flip out & say, "Well, maybe she really was raped!" let me assure you that no, she wasn't. She ended up coming clean about the whole gang drama being a lie.

How do I always attract these people?

Toccoa Visit

I don't have a ton of write about right now. I'm currently sitting in the library computer lab at Toccoa Falls College! My old school! It's been weird being back this trip, though it always is.

When I graduated, I wasn't exactly on the best social terms with a lot of people, & now that most of them are gone you'd think it would be different. But instead, there are all 0f these kids I don't know, a few that I do know, & a lot of memories (both good & bad). I've gotten to see a few professors as well, which has been nice.

One of the things that's been kind of discouraging is how Alexa (her real name) is visiting at the same time. We were super close while here, & have stayed pretty close since graduation. But anyway, she's having to schedule times to hang out with people, whereas I am just kind of scrambling & haphazardly trying to meet up with people. We both had very different experiences here, obviously.

Anyway, I will write more later. Not sure about what though.

Reflection

Wednesday night, after my church small group, I went for a drive. Frustrated with a lot of events & circumstances, I just needed to get away. And away I went.

I drove over 3 hours, just listening to music & reflecting on the events of the past few weeks. Spring has always been a really tough time for me. As is Winter, Summer, & Fall. But Spring especially is full of heartache. It's when I've lost numerous friendships, experienced failed relationships, almost gotten kicked out of college, & now have had 2 grandparents die. It is when life begins anew, yet for me it's when I am forced to reflect on the mookie-storm (still trying to not cuss) my life is & always has been.

I know that everyone experiences these feelings of loneliness, but I see no reason why I've always struggled socially. I literally have no friends from my childhood. I don't have friends from when I was a teenager (because I really only had one, & that lasted less than a year. That actually may make an interesting post later on). In fact, the oldest friendship I have at this point is about 4 years old at this point.

I guess I'm just frustrated right now. I need some alone time, which is basically what I'm complaining about. But this will be different. This will be used for reflection, & maybe I'll be able to finally figure out how I feel about my grandfather dying last week (spoiler alert!). My last class this semester is over next week, so hopefully I'll be able to make this happen.

TeeHee

My job is holding a drawing class where for $30 you can learn to draw this slightly complicated-looking coffee cup. My co-worker (who will be going to art school) tried to draw it but for some reason wasn't able to finish it at the same time as the rest of the picture, so there were these arrows pointing to a blank space. I took it upon myself to add the stick figure (which I have since erased, because I am nothing if not professional).

It was funny to us, anyway...

A Piece Of Lent

So, to those of you not versed in the Christian tradition, we are now at the beginning of Lent. What is Lent, you may ask? Well...that's a good question.

Having grown up the son of a Methodist minister, I always remembered hearing it mentioned but because I was so young I never participated in any of the "festivities." Those festivities being the sacrificing of crap for Adult Jesus.

Once my parents & I started attending more...charismatic churches (not Pentecostal Holiness. No one pretended to be an animal & not everyone prayed in tongues) it wasn't mentioned as much. Then I went to Toccoa & it was mentioned a lot more (but I didn't sacrifice anything because screw that).

Then last year when I was in college, it seemed like everyone & their mother (not my mother though) gave up something for the 40 days leading to Easter. Not me, though! But that is a thing of the past.

This year, I have decided to "celebrate" Lent. So for the next 40 days, I am giving up cussing.

Yes, that's right.

Katie is giving up chocolate (& possibly white bread). Most people give up food items, electronic stuff, & that kind of junk. But not me! I'm taming my tongue (that's what she said).

The reason for this is primarily because I cuss way too much. I think it makes me sound uneducated & ignorant. That isn't to say that I'm against cussing. Far from it! I think it's hilarious when people cuss. But this is just something I myself need to rein in. This has been something I've been meaning to do for a while now, so by piggy-backing it with this hot mess, it might make it easier since everyone will be miserable at the same time.

A guy from my small group (sort of?) is joining me in this endeavor. I had a successful first day, but he did not. Go me! I told him that we are allowed to cuss if they're song lyrics. We are also allowed to cuss in another language because English is the official language of God & the only one He respects.

Why do I have a bad feeling this won't last long at all?

Edit: So, I was having my friend David read this as soon as I posted it. He noticed a typo. Guess what I did? Well, let's have the screen capture tell the story...

...................it's going to be a long Lent, folks.

The Story Of My Move

Remember back when I was living with Skidmark? And remember that time I moved with little fanfare? Well, here is the story of the move. There really isn't much to report but I figure that since my time living in The Porn Nexus (t.m. Caleb) was a bit epic that I need to at least include the resolution.

After toying with the idea of moving since about a month after I moved in with Le Skidmark, I had started to actively pursue housing leads. I had checked out a place in December that was less than a mile from my job. It was with a guy from my church (who I had never met but I knew people who knew him), & it was pretty nice. I was just incredibly hesitant to accept it because I'd be losing a lot of space, it was more expensive, I'd have to actually move, & I wasn't sure I trusted my new roommate. Not that he gave me any reason not to trust him. But just after my past roommate experiences (My Giant, Skidmark, Really Conservative Guy) & life experiences in general (Bi-Sexual Wiccan, Truck Driver, Mexican Stalker, Other Stuff) I had trust issues. Understandably.

Well, after I found the blood splatters on the bathroom mirror (& on the faucet knob) I decided that enough was enough. After dilly-dallying & trying to coordinate everything, I pushed the move up a week.

I wish I could say it was really dramatic, hilarious, or tragic. I really do. Because that isn't as boring as this. But (un)forunately everything went well. Skidmark took the news well, & even had an ad for my replacement on Craigslist the day I told him (replacement has since moved in).

The only thing to note is that I told him that the reason I was moving was because "certain behaviors" made me uncomfortable & that it might be a good idea for him to tell future roommates so they weren't thrown into this whole world without knowing. He apologized for me being uncomfortable. And the day I moved we didn't even say goodbye. We did speak, but I can't remember what all was said. It doesn't matter anyway.

I had to switch out my beds though. The bed I had while living with Skidmark was a full, but my new room would have been a lot more cramped if I had used it. So a switch was made with the bed I had used while living in Toccoa with my dad (a twin). While switching the beds (& dropping off other random items that I didn't need), my mother made a new best friend in Amaris, a girl from my small group. They seriously talked the entire time the guys (including me) were moving the stuff.

So here I am. I've been living here for a month & a half. It's been great so far. I actually spend more time out of my room than I do in it. I have my own bathroom, so any blood to be found has an obvious source (oh wait....).

Another Guest Post

Remember when I had Aubree do that guest post, & then I did a guest post on her blog? Well I also had reader/Facebook friend Caleb do one as well. Granted, it's taken me about a month to post this because daddy's been busy, but never late than never. Take it away, Caleb!

"Recently I’ve been reading about people who get themselves in all sorts of F’ed up situations because they’re trying to be “nice.” (This means you, Andrew) I have an aversion to the term “nice,” but I’m not going to get into that here. Instead, I’m going focus on the part of “nice” where you hear what someone is saying through the filter of best intentions. It’s time for a post about “Creepy people translation.”

To make sure we’re on the same page I’m going to start out with an easy one. Picture, if you will, an old guy in a van leaning out the window to offer you free candy if you’ll just hop inside with him. He is probably down to a handful of teeth, wearing a ragged hat, and perhaps overalls with no shirt underneath.

He says “I will give you some free candy if you come over here to the inside of my van!”

You think “Hmm… he probably has a driver’s license, so he’s safe. And I DO like candy…”

He means “I need a lampshade and your skin looks conducive to light.”

Obviously this isn’t a good idea, right? Is it “nice” of you to not go to his van? Probably not. So f*ck “nice.”

Next up: you’re a girl, on a dating site, and a guy has just “winked” at you and sent you a message. He has a picture of himself with his shirt off, backwards hat, and glasses. Essentially his message is “hey gurl u so fiiine- lets hook up soon.” You brush this one off, but he keeps sending more all the time (cuz he’s a creeper). Eventually, you may decide to take him up. Here’s the translation:

He says ”I find you attractive and we should meet.”

You think ”Gosh, maybe I’m being close-minded. He might be a decent guy and I’m not giving him a shot. Plus, maybe he’s kind of cute in real life.”

He means “I’m trying to bang 50 hoes this week and you look like a great #46. I will wear you down over time and then roofie you into my bed. PS see my sweet shades?”

If any part of you thinks that this guy isn’t a weirdo who will harass you incessantly, I know a prince in Jordan who is trying to get a few million gold bars out of the country.

Next: you’re working somewhere and a customer is spending a lot of time talking to you. They’re asking personal questions, they’re kind of [older, weird looking, homeless-y, etc.] and you’re not quite comfortable. Inevitably they ask for your contact info. You consider giving it to them. Tranlation:

They say “I’m really interested in you as a unique person! You should tell me more about yourself, then give me your number and facebook info so that we can continue this fascinating discussion.”

You think “They seem… nice. It doesn’t hurt to talk to them I guess. I’ll just give them my Facebook stuff and not accept their friend request. I don’t want to tell them to bug off cuz that might be mean.

They mean: “I’m going to keep asking you crap about yourself to keep you talking long enough that you’ll give me your information. Then, I’m probably going to stalk you. Maybe I’ll get to take you out to the back of my car, but at the least I’ll be able to text-bomb you for weeks or even months!”

Hopefully you’re starting to see a pattern here. If not, I have one last counter-example for you, and maybe it will help illustrate things:

You’re a small child in the cold of winter. A large man in an oversized outfit and a long beard is beckoning for you to sit on his lap and confess your desires. Your parents urge you forward.

He says “Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Come sit on my lap and tell me what you want this year!”

You think “Hmm… mom said to avoid strangers, but he seems pretty cool. And merry.”

He means “I’m getting $100 bucks to be cheerful and listen to you snot nosed punks tell me of your greed. Hurry up.”

This situation? Totally okay. Seriously- Santa is good shit.

Well I hope this helped clear a few things up for you folks. If I can keep even one person from getting into a trucker’s cab after working at the theater all night, I’ll have done my job.

Thanks Andrew!"

You're welcome, Caleb.

Wall Post

Everyone is writing on the Wall of that guy that passed, so I decided to write on it too. I'm sure one (or many) of his many followers will de-friend or flame me, but whatever. I felt like it needed to be said. What do you guys think?

Hmmm...

Am I Terrible?

I should be working on that horrid assignment but whatever. I've checked out. Instead, I have something more important to talk about.

This guy from my college died either this morning or last night. He had been fighting with cancer for about a year or so. The thing is....

I don't feel anything.

We were in the same social circle for most of the time we were in college together (2 years), but never really clicked. He always treated me like I was stupid because I didn't enjoy studying things like philosophy & politics. When I talked to him once about some of my doubts about myself & Christianity, he kept trying to get me to leave the school right then & there, despite the fact that it was in the middle of a semester.

Then he was put in charge of one of the Student Government councils I was on, as well as just being on another council with me. The council he was in charge of was tough because instead of just using those of us elected, he brought in a bunch of his friends & only listened to their ideas. Then he asked us when the best nights were to meet, & when I told him I could meet any night except Tuesday, he said that we would be meeting on Tuesdays from now on. So there was that.

Then on the other council, every time I opened my mouth he made fun of me or shot me down. At one point, in front of everyone, he said he was on a mission to "dehumanize" me. No one took it seriously because "that's just his sense of humor." He did eventually apologize for that.

On a purely immature note, I was also jealous of how popular he had become. He was part of the group that had split off from my friend group & left me high & dry. I also didn't like how he treated women like they were inferior & stupid (kind of like how he treated me. Oh wait.....).

When I saw on the Facey B this morning, a lot of feelings went through my head. I felt slightly vindicated, & also relief. I felt frustrated at how brainwashed it seems some people are at how wonderful he was. At the same time, I feel bad for his family. I know what it's like to have a loved one die & you're the one left.

I texted my mother, who is an Oracle of Wisdom. She knows some of the situation & said this, "It's ok to feel nothing. He definitely wasn't a friend so you had no good connection. There are people I know that when they die I'll feel nothing...I will feel sad for them if they don't know Jesus but that would be all." When I said I felt guilty, she said, "Don't. Their really is no need to. We can't be expected to feel sad for everyone who dies. Especially those who were unkind to us." That made me feel better.

What do you guys think? Am I being immature? Does it make sense why I feel this way?

Just so you know, we didn't always have a tumultuous relationship. In fact, sometimes we got along just fine. And he was there the first time I ever puked from drinking. He even let me curl up in a ball on his lap while I shook due to possible alcohol poisoning.

Also, I don't want you all thinking I was just a push-over with him. I stood up to him numerous times at SGA meetings. Especially when the nights changed & I could go again.

A-Salted

So last night I went out with some people from my church group. There is one girl who comes around every so often who has a lot of social issues (more than me) & is incredibly moody (I shall call her Julie). Things were going well for a while: we went to a terrible Italian restaurant, then some art galleries (where I had to go outside because I was feeling like I was going to have an anxiety attack). After that, we went to a bar in downtown Raleigh. Things were still going well until Julie gets into one of her moods where she starts attacking everyone.

Usually it just annoys me but I keep my mouth shut. But this time I was incredibly sick of it. She had called all of us "straight-laced" & it made no sense, so I asked if she knew what it meant because if she did, then she wouldn't be saying that about us. That flustered her a bit & she was quiet for a few minutes, but started criticizing other people & I said, "Why do you feel like you have to constantly criticize us every time we go out?" That also got her to be quiet for a little bit. I didn't say it harshly, but just as a matter-of-fact.

To smooth the situation over some, I took a salt shaker & threw a little bit of salt on her, telling her she had been "a-salted." She didn't respond, but I (& a few others) found it endlessly hilarious.

After a while she got pissed off again & left, this after she threatened another girl in our group TWICE that she was going to punch her in the face. The same girl who helped her straighten her hair & look good for the night. No good deed....

I still think the salt incident was funny...

The Perfect Storm

Instead of finishing any of the homework that is progressively piling up & stressing me out, I have decided to share with you all a very special story.

When I was 14, I visited a Lutheran church with my friend Courtney. Growing up Protestant, we always used grape juice for communion, but those Lutherans know how to get it done. Granted, I only had a super small sip, but I knew alcohol & I would someday become friends.

While I worked at the movie theater (both times) & during my year in high school & tenure at community college, I was around people who drank a lot but I never partook. This wasn't necessarily because I thought it would be wrong. No, it was because I never got invited to anything where there was alcohol. Judging from how things played out later, maybe it was good I didn't discover the Magical Drink for a while.

January, 2007. I was 20 & beginning my 2nd semester at "real college" in Georgia. I had been invited to go to Florida by some guys (including Robyn, who visited me last summer in Florida) to go with them & visit another friend (Neil) who had transferred at the end of last semester. The whole trip was kind of wonky, with Neil & Robyn up each others butts, Dan constantly texting his underage girlfriend, & me just kind of there. There was a lot of drama going on back in Georgia & I was preoccupied with that hot mess.

Let me go on & put this out here: I've changed a lot since then. I was even more awkward at that time & more socially inept. Because of that, I was treated like a...pet? Does that make sense? It still happens some now, but not to the same degree. People treat me like I'm this retarded child who can occasionally do tricks (such as making inappropriate comments & saying ridiculous things) but can't really take care of himself.

Anyway. We had access to alcohol, because of course we did. In the course of about an hour, I had drank Skyy vodka, multiple Smirnoff Ice, Starbucks liqueur, Jack Daniels, & maybe some wine & beer. I don't remember that part. But needless to say, I was completely blasted off my ass. In fact, I was so drunk that I decided it would be a good idea to walk around outside naked. I then proceeded to go into the bathroom & announce that I was going to try to masturbate. My friends didn't like that so much, so they did everything they could to distract me from the other room. It worked. I was unpleased.

By this point, I was wearing underwear. That doesn't necessarily mean that I was wearing them correctly. There were pictures of me sprawled on the couch with my...friends just laying about. I also told Robyn I hated him because he had weaseled in my friendship with Neil (this wasn't the first time something like that had happened to me). I was a hot damn mess.

But guess what! I had nary a hangover the next day. Luckily, I never had another night like that again. Yes, there was another naked drunk night a few years later (connected to a drinking game) but I never again yelled at anyone or tried to get my wank-on while other people were around.

Granted, the rest of the trip was complete mookie. I basically had a nervous breakdown the next night because of stress & feeling left out by the other 3 & almost killed myself. Then I told my dad about everything that happened & he threatened to cut me off financially (like from the $2,000 in my savings account that was technically in their name). It also set off a chain reaction of events for the rest of the semester that led to me almost transferring to another school.

But if nothing else, I learned that I love drinking.

I Suck

It has been brought to my attention that my grammar sucks. I use apostrophes when I shouldn't & don't when I should.

I used to be quite good at grammar but somewhere along the line in college I started doubting myself when writing papers & lost all ability to function.

This could potentially ruin a friendship.

I am an embarrassment to my mother.

On a happier note, Skidmark is going to be gone for 5 days for Thanksgiving. Holla!