Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Ruh Roh

It is pretty common knowledge that I'm not exactly the most graceful human on the planet. In fact, I've referenced this fact a few times in the past (most notably in this story). Well, this post will just be about some of my "greatest hits", if you will.

1. When I was a toddler, my parents had put me to bed & were in the other room. They heard a loud crash & me screaming. I had somehow managed to fall out of my crib.

2. It was Easter Sunday, 1991. I was 5 & dressed like a dapper little gentleman. We lived next door to the church my dad was the pastor of at the time & somehow between the church & our house I fell in a puddle & was completely covered. My dad didn't find it as humorous as my mother did.

3. When I was in kindergarten I was going to participate in a Walk-A-Thon fundraiser. During practice for it (I have no idea...) I fell & pulled a muscle in my leg so badly that I couldn't walk for a week. If I remember correctly I mentioned this incident.

4. When I was 8 I tried to see how far I could jump off of an end table. Definitely didn't get very far & dented an antique lamp.

5. During the summer of 1996 I was part of a soccer league. During a game I was (typically) not paying attention & looked up to see the ball coming immediately at my head. Definitely went down & when I opened my eyes, my dad was over me, along with some players, the referee, & the coach. I definitely got knocked-out for a little bit.

6. During another game I couldn't get out of the way fast enough & the ball hit me full force in the stomach. The bench was warmed by me for a while after that.

7. Age 14. Riding my bicycle around the neighborhood. Stood up to peddle faster when the right peddle slipped & the gripper things went into my leg. I was gushing blood & had to walk about a half-mile with a bloody leg. People kept walking by me, staring, & turning their heads. Assholes.

8. Another bike story. I stood up to peddle faster out of the driveway & sat back down, squishing one of my balls between my leg & the seat. Somehow, I made it back inside but laid down a while.

9. My first day working at Jersey Mike's I fell with a tub of mayonnaise. Of course, the tub broke & it went everywhere. Luckily it didn't get on me because I probably would have quit.

10. Second time I worked at the movie theater, I fell on my face opening a door. I turned the knob & just....fell. Into the lobby. Hmmmm.....

11. One time this old lady needed help getting back to her movie theater, having gotten lost while going to the bathroom. I told her I'd help her & as I turned around to walk out of the box-office, I walked face-first into the back of it. She just looked at me & said, "I think I'll be fine on my own" & went on her way.

12. When I worked at Jersey Mike's the second time, I sliced part of the tip of my thumb off on the meat slicer. My co-workers thought I cut myself so they cleaned the knife & not the slicer. Ooops. By the way, I still have an indention from my missing flesh.

13. Another time I spilled some juice & didn't clean it up immediately. Guess who then slipped a little while later & landed on the mat just next to it, thus scraping the crap out of his knee...

14. Same shift as above. Slipped & hit my head on the bread rack on my way down.

15. College in Georgia. Slipped & slid down a muddy hill on my butt. Right?

16. My nickname at Applebee's was "Dammit Andrew" for a reason. I was always spilling, dropping, breaking things. However, I only dropped a plate of food once, & only spilled a tray of drinks once. However, I was known to accidently knock into a fellow server & make them spill their stuff...

17. On Halloween 2008, I slipped at the end of the shift talking to Alexis & grabbed the dressing cart about 10 minutes before closing. Somehow only 2 dressings spilled, but I was covered in water & some dressing. I took the cart out back to spray it off with the hose. My manager didn't find it humorous until the force from the water hose made the dressing splash all over me. Then he said it was funny.

18. At the beginning of a shift I had to get milk out of the cooler for the bartender. I gave it a shake as I was walking up front & apparently, I got a jug that had already been opened & the cap flew off, covering me in milk. I smelled fantastic.

19. During a busy shift I fell down the steps of my section when a table tried to get my attention as I was walking away.

20. I wasn't super clumsy in Florida because I didn't do much of anything. I did trip a lot, though.

21. I've been going on a rampage at my current job, breaking & spilling everything in my path. Oops.


Aubree said...

dammit andrew. haha if my job involved mayonnaise at all i'd be outta there.

Andrew said...

It was tough, trust me. I can't look at the stuff without feel nauseous.

Caleb said...

Cripes man!

I hope you care for the elderly one day, cuz that would be hilarious.

And turn off word verification already.

Andrew said...

Just for you, my friend Caleb, I have turned off the word verification. I agree that it's pretty annoying.

myjoyproject said...

That is certainly quite a legacy you are leaving!!