Sunday, March 6, 2011

Am I Terrible?

I should be working on that horrid assignment but whatever. I've checked out. Instead, I have something more important to talk about.

This guy from my college died either this morning or last night. He had been fighting with cancer for about a year or so. The thing is....

I don't feel anything.

We were in the same social circle for most of the time we were in college together (2 years), but never really clicked. He always treated me like I was stupid because I didn't enjoy studying things like philosophy & politics. When I talked to him once about some of my doubts about myself & Christianity, he kept trying to get me to leave the school right then & there, despite the fact that it was in the middle of a semester.

Then he was put in charge of one of the Student Government councils I was on, as well as just being on another council with me. The council he was in charge of was tough because instead of just using those of us elected, he brought in a bunch of his friends & only listened to their ideas. Then he asked us when the best nights were to meet, & when I told him I could meet any night except Tuesday, he said that we would be meeting on Tuesdays from now on. So there was that.

Then on the other council, every time I opened my mouth he made fun of me or shot me down. At one point, in front of everyone, he said he was on a mission to "dehumanize" me. No one took it seriously because "that's just his sense of humor." He did eventually apologize for that.

On a purely immature note, I was also jealous of how popular he had become. He was part of the group that had split off from my friend group & left me high & dry. I also didn't like how he treated women like they were inferior & stupid (kind of like how he treated me. Oh wait.....).

When I saw on the Facey B this morning, a lot of feelings went through my head. I felt slightly vindicated, & also relief. I felt frustrated at how brainwashed it seems some people are at how wonderful he was. At the same time, I feel bad for his family. I know what it's like to have a loved one die & you're the one left.

I texted my mother, who is an Oracle of Wisdom. She knows some of the situation & said this, "It's ok to feel nothing. He definitely wasn't a friend so you had no good connection. There are people I know that when they die I'll feel nothing...I will feel sad for them if they don't know Jesus but that would be all." When I said I felt guilty, she said, "Don't. Their really is no need to. We can't be expected to feel sad for everyone who dies. Especially those who were unkind to us." That made me feel better.

What do you guys think? Am I being immature? Does it make sense why I feel this way?

Just so you know, we didn't always have a tumultuous relationship. In fact, sometimes we got along just fine. And he was there the first time I ever puked from drinking. He even let me curl up in a ball on his lap while I shook due to possible alcohol poisoning.

Also, I don't want you all thinking I was just a push-over with him. I stood up to him numerous times at SGA meetings. Especially when the nights changed & I could go again.


Aubree said...

lolz Facey B.
now that i've commented on the most random thing. yeah you don't have to feel bad especially since he wasn't really a friend or anything. so yeah, it makes sense. like your mom said, you can't be expected to feel bad for everyone who dies. there are people i would feel nothing if they died and there are people who would feel nothing if i died (of course i'm immortal, so we'll never really know)

Andrew said...

Obviously we will never know how to react when you die since it will never happen.

And thanks. That does make me feel better.

Abby said...

I don't think you should feel bad. It's not like your rejoicing in someone's're just saying that you don't feel much about it at all. And if you felt sad about every person that died, well, you'd never stop being sad. And that would be awful.

Andrew said...

Abby, you knew him, right? Did you ever pick up on the same stuff I talked about?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I don't think you're bad for feeling this way. What I do think is that we all have feelings like this, and you had the nuts to write about it; and you wrote it well.

Great post, brother.

Andrew said...

Thanks, Dr. Ken. I really appreciate that.

Abby said...

I didn't really have any personal interactions with him. We only met once and it was in a large group, so I don't really feel like I have anything to base an opinion upon.