It was funny, because even back then you can tell that I'm going to end up being...ahem...different. I COULD NOT color anything the way it was supposed to be. Cats were green, dogs were purple, Adam & Eve were the same color as the Jolly Green Giant, Santa's outfit was blue. I've always just marched to the beat of my own drum.
And a lot of times, even back then, that drum was marching at a lazy/unmotivated beat. You can tell which masterpieces I cared about (probably depending where I did them) based on the attention to detail. You can just look at certain pages & tell I'm irritated because I don't want to be coloring it. (The main thing I'm thinking of it a coloring book of the Nativity Story. I only used a purple crayon, & all I did was scribble a few lines in the middle of the pages. One page I skipped entirely.)
That's somewhat how I am now. I feel so unmotivated by the monotony of life & unstimulated by the requirements of living. If I don't like doing something, more than likely I will half-ass it. I will still get high marks (generally an A or an A+) but I just don't care. No one can say I've ever been stupid (slow on the uptake, perhaps. But not stupid). My mom said she taught me to count to 200 by the time I was 2 & when I was 5 I had a 5th grade vocabulary. When I was 10 I had a college-age reading level. I just....don't care about a lot of things. Apathy.
I want to care about something. I want a hobby, an interest, something that I'm passionate about. Hopefully in my new pursuit at being the best Andrew Nelms I can be, I will find that missing spark.
Or I'll half-ass my way through that, too.
4 comments:
Edit: I just want everyone to know that I do try my best when I set my mind to stuff. I genuinely want to do my best the majority of the time. But I still half-ass a lot.
Andrew, you probably won't like this, but my advice is to take your eyes off of YOU. As long as you live your life centered on yourself, you'll be unmotivated and unsettled. You know you have that 'God-shaped' hole in your heart. The only way you'll ever feel passionate, fulfilled and 'right' in life is to put your eyes on Jesus. Hang on, I'm not finished...keep reading! :P
I know you're saved, and I know you understand what I mean. I hope you know it comes from my heart, from my love for you and for Him. Once you stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about what the Lord wants for your life, you'll find your passion. You'll find your person, partner, playmate..whatever.
I could get up every morning and feel the same way you do--sometimes I do, but I pray and do my best to get my eyes off of ME. It's a daily plan,(and sometimes a daily struggle), but it does change your mental pattern once you start moving beyond yourself.
I think about my David....he gets up at 2:30am everyday, reads his Bible for a while then goes to work from 4am - 6:30pm. (Sometime during that day he gets his radiation treatment, but those are almost over) On Saturdays he goes in 3am-2pm. Every week....same thing. Sundays he's at church, teaches Sunday school to a bunch of preteens that don't really care...and then we spend the afternoon together as a family until he starts his week again. And he has cancer.
My POINT is...life generally sucks if you really stop and look at it from a human standpoint. Days come and go and FOR WHAT? It's not really about what happens to us, it's more about what we can do to change eternity for others. Spread the hope....live with dignity and purpose--represent Christ well.
Stuff happens along the way that makes it all worthwhile. I gave birth to a remarkable daughter who makes me and David proud everyday...and she is going to impact even more lives with her music and her witness. I've had some fantastic supernatural experiences that show me God's love -- and I know there will be more.
I know you've had a weird, rough, but loving childhood. Now you're on your own and you MUST figure out what else is out there. It's not about you, bud. Sorry....it's about what you are supposed to do to impact others. It doesn't have to be a mission, it will come naturally once you forget about searching, and start living the life God gave you the way He intends for you to live it.
It took me over 30 yrs to figure this out, and I still suck at it some days. I want you to get a better start, so I'm saying all this and risking your wrath (Ha!) but trusting that you respect me enough to listen..........
OK, sermon's over. Put your offering in the basket and move on. I'll be waiting to see if you ever speak to me again--not that it's about ME anyway! Love you. Seriously.
At the risk of our friendship, I also want to include this.....It was my devotional reading for today. Seems rather timely....... <3
Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts.
—1 John 5:21
Believe it or not, idolatry comes naturally to all of us. Why? Because we must worship, and we will worship. Even as nature abhors a vacuum, so does the human soul. The human soul always will find an object of worship, either on the shelf or on the altar or in the mirror or in heaven. But we will find something to worship, because we are idolaters.
Maybe we don't give these gods the names they were once given, like Dagon or Baal or Zeus or Thor, but they are gods nonetheless. An idol or false god is anyone or anything that takes the place of God in our lives. And know this: everyone has a god—even atheists.
When someone comes up with their own version of God, that is worshipping a false god as well. Making statements like, "Well, I don' believe in a God who would. . . ." is creating your own god, and that is idolatry.
The Bible warns us, "Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts" (1 John 5:21). But why would we worship an object or a thing or something else instead of the true God? Because in our minds, it gives us control. In his book, Words from the Fire: Hearing the Voice of God in the Ten Commandments, R. Albert Mohler wrote, "Idols imply control—human control. . . . We will devise our own worship because we have devised our own god."
An idol or false god is whatever you get excited about, whatever you are passionate about. People get excited about a lot of things. They may not call these things their gods, but in effect they are. What is the focus of your life? That, for all practical purposes, is your god.
Copyright © 2010 by Harvest Ministries. All rights reserved.
I hate you.
Just kidding. I know what you say is true. I met with someone today who said the same thing basically. Not that I'm a bad person or anything, but I am too focused on myself. Hopefully with whatever I end up doing I can get plugged in somewhere that I can really flourish & grow spiritually.
There's more to say but I'm currently having an allergic reaction to Chili's & everything is kind of hazy so for the moment, there isn't anything more to say :)
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