Sunday, May 30, 2010

This One Is Kind Of A Downer (& Kind Of Long)

Over the past few weeks, I've had a lot on my mind. I've come to the realization that I'm not too thrilled with the direction my life is heading. I'm sick of the fact that while I'm generally well-liked by most people, I'm not well-liked enough to be included in hanging out. I usually have to initiate every time I hang out with someone. I also seem to be quite expendable. It seems as if people can easily cut me out of their lives. At the age of (almost) 24, the longest-spanning friendship I have at this point is going on 4 years (hi, Cherise!).

I'm sick of my fear of rejection keeping me from pursuing romantic relationships. Also, it seems like I'm not seen in that way. I'm always a "friend." And I'm usually friends with the guys who everyone thinks are (occasionally inexplicably) hot & are always being flirted with. I've even been told by a "friend" to go away when there are girls around since my mere presence ruins their chances (this was a few years ago. I'm not around enough single people anymore for this to happen).

The work situation is stressing me out. I have no idea if I'm being fired anymore & the clients are even more resistant to my authority than before. I don't even try now. Of course last night my head supervisor showed up because we had a client with incredibly high blood pressure & she told me I need to be more assertive. I told her I was but they ignore what I say. She then disregarded what I said (sigh). Part of the problem with people not taking me seriously is I usually come across as somewhat flaky & uncomfortable, even when I'm not.

I'm exhausted all the time. I barely get sleep & when I do it doesn't feel like enough. My grades haven't been as good as they usually are (the worst thus far was 82.5 which is horrendous for me). I'm overwhelmed by all of the above & feeling like a failure & a let-down & have been thinking about...ending things. It's not bad enough for me to go have myself committed but it's been bad. I don't want to go back on anti-depressants because I've had such bad reactions in the past. I haven't been able to talk to my counselors (that's right. Plural. I see multiple counselors for different issues) because they conveniently went on vacation at the same time. I've tried to get in touch with my professors but one didn't seem to take it very seriously & the other one won't return my phone calls. I told my dad & he was more upset about some of the issues I'm going through than the fact that I just told him I was thinking about suicide.

On top of all that shit, I'm thinking about a career change. I chose Counseling because it was something I was good at already & because my parents told me they'd only help me out financially if I went to a Christian school & so on. My original plan was to do nursing. I ended up not doing it because I dropped Bio 1 since I had never had a science class before & had no idea what was going on & my parents talked me out of it. Now here I am, a year into grad school with a degree I don't even really want anymore. I'm just not feeling engaged or interested in my classes & don't see how I can do counseling long-term.

Of course my parents aren't happy. My mom started sniffling & told me that I was possibly ruining my life by not finishing grad school & my dad told me that I might as well become a florist (gee whiz) & that he had higher hopes for me than being a nurse. My whole argument is that my whole life I've rarely made proactive decisions. Almost every decision has been reactive. Where I went to college? Reactive. Occasional jobs? Reactive. My major? Reactive. Going straight to grad school? Reactive. It's time I make decisions for myself & what makes me happy. It just really hurts that they seem to view this as a disappointment when I'm finally being the adult they claim to know I am & might finally be happy with life.

So now I have to decide what I'm going to do. Do I want to stay in grad school & hope it gets better? Do I want to begin taking classes for nursing in West Palm Beach? Do I want to go back home & take classes there? Do I want to move to Raleigh & take classes there? Do I want to move to Colorado? Do I want to take a much needed break?

I can tell you one thing that's for certain: I'm quitting that ass job.

P.S. This isn't a cry for help or begging for attention.

6 comments:

Rebecca J-G said...

OMG.. I just wrote a 1000 word respone and the blog lost it! Now I have to rethink the whole thing. HOLD ON

Rebecca J-G said...

Man, the first response I wrote was so good, but the blog lost it and now I'm trying to write it again. Let me break it down.

You are awesome. I've known you for a few years, but we've only just started this latest phase of our relationship. I don't know why...I generally don't spend much time interacting with people 20+ yrs younger than I, but something about you draws me..Your weird sense of humor, your intelligence...the fact that you are struggling to live a Christian lifestyle in a screwed up world. I admire that, because it is no easy task.
In some ways you remind me of Rachel. Even though you are 6 years older than she is, you have gone through some of the same things. She is always the odd-man out because she doesn't party, date (though many a boy has wanted to), or generally screw around with her life. She has always said she is saving herself for the man the Lord has for her, wherever he might be...and I don't mean just sexually. She hasn't entered into any deep friendships with guys just because they can mess up her focus. I see a lot of those same qualities in you. I think you are set aside for a greater purpose, even if maybe you don't realize that. I'm proud of you. There aren't too many men your age who are sensitive, intelligent and sane. You are doing a good job.
I've been praying about you...a lot. I really think you are aware that God has a plan for your life (and I'm not saying that in the pat-response Christian way) and I think one reason you are struggling with your decisions is because you want to stay on the right path. Pray aboutit Andrew. Seriously. Ask God what He wants you to do. Ask Him to give you a sign. Heck, ask Him to give ME as sign, and I'll tell you what He said!!
Iknow your parents are proud of you and want you to be happy. BUT they are human and human parents screw up and say the wrong things all the time. We do..face it. You never know if you've caught them at a bad time or what...you know YOU want to talk, but your mom or dad could have been stressing out about bills or whatever, then you call with your woes and, well, you get the picture. I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying - parents can be turds sometimes.
THIS IS TOO LONG>>>>I have to continue it>>>>

Rebecca J-G said...

OK, NOW THE REST OF THE THOUGHTs>>>>


Part of me thinks you need to make a drastic change. Change schools maybe, come back to RM or NC in general. Get closer to your support system. You've been through a lot this past year, losing your grandma, and general family crap. It might be better to be back here, cheaper school, cheaper living...but a closer support system.
Come to CVC once in awhile. Hang out with me! Date Rachel (wait, I didn't say that...) just give yourself a different perspective and see if you can hear what God is saying about what you need to be doing.
You know that life isn't worth crap if you are only living for Andrew. You have to find your purpose and live it out.
Nursing is noble, but it is also messy. You have to be able to detach from the patients, and I don't see that in you. Can you see yourself drawing blood, inserting a catheter or debriding a burn patient? When David was burned over 20% of his body 3 yrs ago, I met a lot of nurses. Some were much better than others. They have to be able to separate themselves to do the hard work, then come right back and be all about the compassion. I don't know how they do it. Can you see yourself in that role? Now with David's cancer, I'm meeting a lot more nurses. It's a crappy job, but that's just my opinion. If GOD says you can do it, you can. Just be sure whatever you decide for your career, that you've checked with the Lord and are sure He is helping you down that path.

I wrote a bunch of other things earlier, but for now, I'll quit (and copy this in case it gets lost a second time!!)
I don't know if this helps, but it is coming from my heart. I care about you...I love you. I feel like I need to tell you that you CAN NOT GIVE UP ON THIS STUPID LIFE!! You just need to refocus. I'll do anything I can to help you.
I'm going to send you my cell number in a FB message. If you want to talk, call me. I'll try to help or I'll just listen. YOu don't have to work this all out on your own. You do need to be independent and 'grown up' in order to make your decisions, but you can bounce your ideas off of me if you want to. Heck, I've even done academic advising as a career, so maybe God got us started in all this convo for a reason. I don't know.
Stay strong and stay focused. I have faith in you.
Rebecca

Andrew said...

I appreciate all of that. I will try to call you. For sure.

I miss being younger. I still struggled with depression like a mofo, but I didn't have all this drama. It wasn't until my 2nd year of me living in Georgia that everything started going downhill. I mean, there were small instances at work & church while I lived in Rocky Mount, but nothing to the scope of this junk. And it all happens at once! Ay yi yi!

I actually think I could be a nurse. Blood doesn't bother me, & neither do needles. Smells I might struggle with, but I think I could get over it (I've lived in dorms before, plus some of the clients at work smell HORRIBLE! And it permeates throughout their whole apartment). I think separating myself will be the most difficult part. I'm getting better at it at work, which I think is more difficult since it's basically all downtime & talking to them.

Ugh!

BTW, I'm gonna send you a message on FB.

Thandi Sithole said...

Hi Andrew,

We've never met so this is little awkward but I think you need to hear it.

I stumbled across your blog after following a link on another site that you usually comment on. Your comments are always so considerate and fair- that made you stand out and led me here to your blog and I didn´t get dissapointed reading your posts. They´re WELL written, funny and reflect a writer with a gentle soul. It´s really been a pleasure reading your posts. I have a blog too but I´m a little reserved about making it public... I will someday, afterall we´re in the dawn of a public era ( fcebook, blogs, reality t.v., etc)

So anyway, back to you... Thank you for your writings, I hope you publish your journals someday. I haven´t read all your posts to know what job you´re in but whatever it is it seems to bring you great stress so It´s good that you´re thinking of letting it go. You´re right about being pro-active, I´m sure your parents will still love you even if you´re a nurse. Take that step and do what you want even if no one stands by you. You have to want it that much. It´ll all fall into place someday and the battle would have been worth it. Also I´m sure you´ve given it a lot of thought and know what it entails (the good and the bad) you don´t need to be told all the negative side of nursing (with respect to the previous poster).

Please don´t lose hope, just think that there is a complete stranger out there in the world that took the courage to reply to your post and is rooting for you!

Have a good day :-)

Andrew said...

Thanks, Thandi :) I appreciate the kind words. Things seem to be clearing up in my head & I think a decision will be coming soon (ish).

I definitely think you should make your blog public, though it's understandable why someone wouldn't.

Also, I'm assuming you got my address from MVWR, MVWD, or MVWJ?